Ruin - Diabetes 365 - January 23, 2010

The snow was falling and at one point there was a beautiful layer on the ground, but the winds picked up and ruined the layer of snow. They swept it this way and that way. Building up spots and destroying others. Leaving vacancies and voids in it’s wake. You could see the shadow of the wind as it picked up the snow. It was like a black gas sweeping over the area, this way and that way. It made me think about how even the best laid plans can be ruined by something unexpected.

I had great plans when I started this year, seeing my doctor every six weeks to help me stay on track with my numbers. What I didn’t expect was severe stomach issues that were going to hinder the digestion of my food that would in turn have a bad effect on my blood sugars that would inevitably push me into push me into ruin because when the going gets tough with diabetes, I have a tendency to cop an attitude (a massive attitude) and throw in the towel.

Once I throw in the towel, whatever was happening has come to ruins. The unexpected puts holes in my (im)perfect little world, it moves things out of place, problems build up and we no longer have a pretty picture…we have…holey snow…batman…

But there’s always that one piece of coolness that accompanies ruin, like the black shadow of the wind…the one cool thing right now with my stomach is looking forward to radioactive eggs, the hope of glowing, the possibility of super powers… ;)

Unclear - Diabetes 365 - January 22, 2010

So much of life is unclear, we cannot see start to finish. But then, if we could see start to finish would we want to go through life that way. Would we want to know everything that was going to happen and walk through it like drones. I don’t think so, even God didn’t want us to walk through life as drones. That’s why He gave us choice. We don’t always know where we’re headed in the long run, but one thing is clear, and that is the present.

When we look at life at a higher level we can also see life at a lower level. The unclearness of life trickles down so much lower, into the everyday things we experience.

Diabetes is unclear. I’ve got the clear, more like a clearing, a heading, a direction I need to be pursuing. Tight diabetes control. It is clear that I need that. What is unclear is how I get there. I’ve got an outline, a general heading, I have a general idea of where the obstacles are, but I can’t see through to the end. I can only see what I’m closest to…the here, the now, the present. This moment.

I have a hard time living in the moment. I’m a forward thinker. I’m always thinking of the next thing. Okay, not always, I have my moments of spontaneity. But mostly, I’m thinking forward. I think the worst place I do this is with the D. With the exception of my anger and frustration, I’m not in the moment with it. I see a high and I think about how it’s gonna affect my A1c. I see a low and think about how it’s gonna affect whatever I wanted to do. The future is unclear, and it’s unclear because of the present. We can’t predict and control what’s going to happen in the future, we can only control what’s happening now.

I know that I need to clear my vision and focus on what’s happening right now…and, it’s a hard task to do that, but it’s what I have to do or everything is always going to be unclear.

Do The Unexpected  - Diabetes 365 - January 21, 2010

Sometimes we have to let loose and do the unexpected. It makes life more interesting and sometimes more fun.

We’ve grown up in a manner that we’re set in our ways. We’ve done things throughout our lives that establish patterns and so there is always something “expected” of us. If we deviate, it sometimes throws things into chaos and other times, the unexpected can make things so much better.

The unexpected happened when I was babysitting my friend’s three boys. They came home from school and immediately disappeared to the backyard. They so quickly disappeared that I was like “where’s the boys”. Within a few minutes they came tromping into the house for a snack. Their jeans were covered in mud but they had the biggest smiles on their faces. When they went back outside they asked me to watch them. They took their tonka trucks up the hill in their back yard, planted their butts in the bed of the truck and came flying down the hill. They’d put their feet out to stop themselves before reaching the wall. Sometimes they’d launch from the truck when they hit the wall and fly a little before hitting the ground.

Then they asked me to join them. I looked at them with a raised eyebrow and the excuses started “I’m too big for the truck…I can’t sit in it”. Then the memories rolled in. Several years ago when the middle child was little and the youngest wasn’t born yet we used to go down the hill in the wagon. The only difference was that back then there wasn’t a wall that we could fall off of.

I eventually grabbed a truck and started heading up the hill. When I got up there and sat on the truck I said “what the heck” and quickly laid on it with my belly knowing full well that if I didn’t stop before I got to the wall I was gonna get royally jacked.

The boys and I must’ve spent 2-3 hours outside with those dump trucks going up and down the hill. It was a blast. There was some bruising and some scrapes but no one was complaining or whining. Doing the unexpected was awesome.

You’re probably wondering…how does this related to diabetes…that was almost a hard question to answer, but then it came to me… it’s not so much about us people with diabetes doing the unexpected (I mean, sure we can, we can do something our doctor didn’t tell us to do and shock them when we show up for our next appointment, like logging our numbers) but I think there’s greater room for the people in our lives to do the unexpected.

For example:

We expect that if we have dessert you’ll ask “should you be eating that”. Do the unexpected by sitting down and having some dessert with us.

We expect you to think that diabetes can be managed by a book…the same method for everyone. Do the unexpected by not telling how to do something but asking us how we handle that situation.

We expect you to get concerned when we slack off from our care…Do the unexpected by not expressing that concern and realizing that every now and then, a little vacation can go a long way.

We expect that you are most likely confused about the differences between type 1 and type 2 diabetes (as media breeds this confusion). Do the unexpected and either ask us a question about something you heard or do a little extra digging and find out if what you heard relates to the type of diabetes we have before you go rambling about something like…oh I dunno, the most common one “diet and exercise can help get you off your medications”.

If you’re a person that doesn’t have diabetes but you know someone that does, there’s a lot of little unexpected things that you could be doing that could really put a smile on a that person with diabetes in your life face :)

Emotional - Diabetes 365 - January 20, 2010

I’m a female, I have emotions. I don’t like that I’m emotional, but I am. It comes with the territory. I have diabetes, that makes me emotional. Not only does the condition make me emotional, but the blood sugars can cause emotions to run high as well. And then there’s the normal life events that make me emotional.

Today, it is the sad execution of my dog. My friend. The one being on earth that loves me unconditionally. He’s been going down hill for a long time now, over the past year or so. Two weeks ago he went to the vet to get a sticker pulled out of his infected foot and blood tests were done. We found out his kidneys were failing and his thyroid was shot. The poor thing was going blind and deaf and was peeing everywhere.

I argued for months that he was peeing everywhere because he was pissed at my parents. I argued that he wouldn’t ever pee in my room. My room was the only room he hadn’t peed in until last night. What’s worse is it’s very much my fault that he peed in my room. I left the room to run my bath water and closed the door behind me. I heard him scratching on the door and I didn’t rush to get to him. He peed on my floor. It was the last straw. Mom was done with him. She said he had to live out the remainder of his days in his kennel. That is no existence for any creature, it’s like putting someone in a nursing home for the rest of their days. It’s sad.

This morning my mom called me for something and I asked what it would cost to put Dominic down. She said she’d call and get a quote. A quote was all I was expecting. She didn’t have money, I didn’t have money. We really couldn’t afford to have him put down. She called me back and said “we have a 10:45 appointment”. I fell apart.

This was my best friend that I asked about putting down. He’s been in my life for half of it. There will never be another creature that can live half my life…Dominic, we got him when he was a little itty bitty pup. Dad would put him in his boot on his way to bed and Dominic would peak his head over the top. This is the dog that would tolerate me dressing him up and using the doll cribs for him. This is the dog that was so smart that he figured out how to open chap stick. This is the dog that was sensitive, I had little miniature pound puppies that kept disappearing from my bed and were found in his kennel. This is the dog that made bacon out of his stuffed pig one year when he put it by the space heater. This is the dog that could’ve been a lizard if we got him a heating rock. This is the dog that for the past several years I’ve woken up to with him on my bed because dad would put him in my room before he left for work. This is the dog that knew when I had low blood sugars. He was my dog. He loved me and I loved him. When I got home from work he wanted to be with me. If I was in my room he wanted to be with me. He got sad when I left the house for work in the morning. This was my dog. We’ve had 5 dogs in my lifetime and he was the first one that I was truly attached to. Two others have died and been buried and I was sad but I wasn’t heart broken. One we had to give away, I can’t even remember being sad about him. The pup and I don’t have the relationship that Dominic and I had.

I had to fight to be with him because my mom didn’t think I could handle watching him die. But I fought that I needed to be with him and I be the last person he see because he was mine and the last thing he didn’t need to see was her or the vet.

It broke my heart to do that to him. It made me cry. A lot. I cried all day. It was sad and heart breaking. My best friend is gone. Thinking about it makes me cry. Walking into my house causes tears to well up. Looking at his rug at the end of my bed causes tears to flow.

as a side note, all the emotions are wreaking havoc on my blood sugars…

DSC02116.JPG

When the natural doctor gave me the slippery elm he told me to get some Recharge. He said that it would help make sure that I don’t get dehydrated. Recharge is an all natural fruit juice drink with electrolytes. I ignored what he said. I was not interested in an electrolyte drink.

Electrolyte drinks and I have a history and it’s not a good one. Gatorade and powerade have always ripped up my stomach (all by themselves, I don’t need stomach issues for them to cause issues). They just don’t sit well in my stomach and will cause me a couple days of discomfort if I drink it during sporting events. The sad thing is, events are sponsored by gatorade or powerade and because I refuse for the most part to be a pack horse while cycling or running, it happens to be what I drink. Given my history with electrolyte drinks I wouldn’t even give Recharge a chance.

One morning when I was in our health food store I stood in the drink aisle and stared at it. I stared and stared for quite some time. Finally I picked up a bottle of orange flavor and turned it to the back to see what was in it:

ingredients: filtered water; white grape, orange and lemon juice concentrates; natural flavor; sea salt; beta carotene (for color).

The ingredients looked great, there is nothing artificial in Recharge.

Next I looked at the nutrition information: there’s only 18 carbs per cup and all the sugars are natural. My skepticalness was waning. I put the bottle back on the shelf and stared at it some more…I stared and stared.

I finally picked up a bottle of lemon and a bottle of orange.

The lemon was what I tried first and I didn’t like it because I could taste too much of the white grape base that’s in each of the drinks. The orange was much better. So much better in fact that I went back for more, I got the grape and more orange. The concord grapes in the grape drink cover up the flavor of the white grape and I’m cool with that :)

The best part about Recharge for me, is that it didn’t upset my stomach. My stomach not being upset is a huge win.

One Thing - Diabetes 365 - January 18, 2010

A couple weeks ago at youth (The Influence at Church Alive) on Wednesday January 6th, Pastor Kanoa shared with us a message that Craig Groeshel, senior pastor of LifeChurch.tv had given.

The basis of the message was that we’re starting a new year and often we set goals and resolutions to help us change many aspects in our lives. It’s been my experience that multiple goals don’t work well, there’s a bit of overwhelmedness that accompanies the goals we set and many of them get tossed by the wayside. The message focused on the concept of focusing on less to accomplish more.

The message of course was God centric and it was really good. We discussed 4 areas of “One Things” and there were examples in the bible which was awesome. I encourage you to go and have a listen, I don’t think you’ll regret it. You can listen to it on Mevio.

What one thing do you desire from God? (Psalm 27:4 shows us where David asked God for the one thing he desired the most.)

What one thing do you lack to move forward with God? (Mark 10:21-22 showed us where Jesus told a man the one thing he lacked.)

What one thing do you need to let go? (Philippians 3:13-14 shows us where Paul tells us to let go of the past and focus on our future with God.)

What’s one promise you need to claim? (Psalm 56:9-13 shows us where David stands on a promise to get rid of the fears he faced.)

Last year I took care of the letting go of one thing. I let go of my anger towards God for letting me get diabetes. Things have improved since then a bit.

But, that’s really not what this blog entry is about. There’s rarely a time when I can’t take a snippet of a sermon and apply it to some other area of my life and when the words “One Thing” came out of Pastor Kanoa’s mouth they stuck in my head.

One Thing.

We always talk about one thing. What one thing would make [insert something here] better? What one thing couldn’t you live without? What one thing would you take to a deserted island with you? If you could visit one place before you die where would you go? If you could meet one famous person who would it be?

The problem with “one thing” is that we’re never satisfied.

Case and point:

The one thing to making me happy was getting me back on my bike. So I moved my bike into the house.

But then I was missing the magnet for my speedometer and couldn’t tell how I was doing.

The one thing to know my progress was to get a new magnet.

But then as I was riding I discovered that in all my weight loss that I’ve lost the padding on my bottom and so riding my bike hurts. BAD.

The one thing to fixing the aching bottom is to get a new seat (I’ve not done that yet).

You see, one thing is never enough, we’re not satisfied.

It’s like when we go to the doctor and we’re disappointed with our A1c and the doctor asks “what one thing can you do to help it?”

And we respond “have tighter glucose control”.

But we quickly become dissatisfied with that answer because having tighter glucose control isn’t really one thing is it?

The Unideal Situation - Diabetes 365 - January 17, 2010

No cyclist wants to be riding indoors. I think it’s safe for me to say that we’d all rather be outside enjoying the scenery. We like to know that we’re actually headed somewhere, that we’re actually covering some distance. Even in the extreme cold cyclists will dress warm and go out there and ride…even when it’s so cold that the water in their water bottles is freezing as they pedal along.

Riding indoors is the unideal situation. It’s a “I have no other choice so I’m going to do it” situation. It’s my current situation.

Because I’ve been unable to eat like a normal person I have no energy, no energy in me or in my energy stores…it’s abnormal, I’m typically the person that you can’t get to sit down and stay still for any amount of time. I’m also moving, always energetic. But that’s just not the case right now…

Because I have to go with the flow of things, moving my bike into the house is the best I can do to make sure I’m riding to some extent. I can’t ride long, I get worn out quickly, but I can at least ride. I went three weeks this year without riding because I was pissed that I couldn’t ride outside. I was pissed that smart friends pointed out that I didn’t have the energy (which I confirmed) and going for a ride would probably land me on some trail passed out where no one could easily get to me. I was so pissed that I moped around pissed instead of doing anything proactive.

So, this is me being proactive, again, it’s not ideal, but it’s what I can do…and it’s what I’m doing. It makes me sad that I was only able to ride 8 miles, but 8 miles is better than nothing…

Taking Small Steps - Diabetes 365 - January 16, 2010

As I’m snowshoeing along, I see prints…snowshoes prints, cross country ski prints, the occasional animal print. The snowshoe prints are the ones I pay most attention to. For some reason the size differences and distance between the prints catches my fancy.

The one thing I’ve noticed is that the prints are close together. The tail end of the shoe in many cases is very near to the other foots top of the shoe. There’s very little distance between the two.

Step. Step. Step.

Small steps, not large steps. The stride is greatly decreased. I know for me that the stride is decreased because it’s easier to snowshoe that way. When you’re somewhat sinking into the snow you don’t want too long a stride because it’s hard to lift up that foot that’s behind you and move it forward.

It’s also easier when a path has already been blazed for you by someone else. The snow is more packed and it’s easier to traverse. Plus, as a bonus, you generally know where you’re going. You can get on a path that’s already been made that’s heading in a general direction and say “yeah, I think this is going to end up over there” and end up at or near where you wanted to head. On occasion there will be a path where someone side tracked and it’s not a definitive path.

It’s kind of the same with diabetes. I know many people, and we’re all mostly on the same path, it’s well trodden. On occasion we’ll take detours and make our own paths but we generally end up on that well worn road. The path that we’re all in a way familiar with. Sometimes we slow down and take smaller steps as we ponder, this is how everyone does it but is it going to work for me.

Then there are times like now, when one of us, me, finds ourselves on a path that few or in some cases no one has been on. We’re the path makers. We travel slow not knowing what to expect, every now and then something will happen and our steps get larger only to realize that we can’t do what we thought we could and we back off. The path is narrow to start because we’re the only one that’s been on it. Someone else will come along and see the path, the narrow path and the small steps that were taken to create it.

Right now I’m blazing a path, but as I walk along with what the doctors are going to confirm as gastroparesis; people are coming out of the woodwork and letting me know that I’m not truly alone. I appreciate that. I like the fact that underneath my snowy path is their path, and the snow is starting to melt and I’m starting to see some light. I’m starting to hear from people and what they’ve been through. My path is starting to merge with their paths; and it’s kind of cool.

The Stomach Doctor

By Courtney | 2 Rookie Marks »

Today I went and saw the stomach doctor…well, before I continue I should preface this with how picky I am about my doctors. I’m so picky about my doctors that I don’t technically have an endocrinologist because I don’t like the ones I can choose from at the hospital where my CDE is and I won’t change networks because I like my CDE. I’m so picky about doctors that if I see one once for something and don’t like them, not only will I not ever see them again, but I won’t go see anyone else for whatever the issue is either. I’m a bit stubborn like that. I’m so picky about my doctors that all my doctors (with the exception of my CDE which is magically in network this year) are out of network and I pay big money to see them (stupid insurance). Now back to the stomach doctor.

I saw the stomach doctor. He had all information necessary because I had thoroughly filled out the patient medical history form. He even read it before coming to see me. Points for him. But! Even though he knew the information he still asked me questions and took notes. More points for him. He asked me about the diabetes. He seemed knowledgeable. Do you see the points adding up here. And then the thing that sealed the deal in my like of him, he said “let’s see that evil stomach of yours” and it made me grin a big grin. This doctor, he knows how to put a smile on my face in light of the bad things going on. He explained everything on a level that even if I didn’t already know it all (yes, I knew it all, I’m well informed like that) I would’ve understood it. POINTS, he scores more points.

He told me how the stomach works, which, this part I didn’t know. Apparently when you put food in it, the door between the stomach and the small intestine close while the stomach works (it is a muscle) on churning the food into nothingness, and then the door opens and it all drains into the small intestine. So, he told me that and then said that food requires that the stomach actually work. Then we talked about liquids and how they don’t require that the stomach work they just require that gravity works and last time I checked, my feet are still on the ground so gravity is working fine.

He talked with me about what we were going to do…oh, I should back up…to where he told me what he thinks I have. His theory is diabetic gastroparesis (I already knew that) and he said that it was his job to confirm it (thanks stomach doctor, I’d appreciate a confirmation because I’m tired of it already and I’m really hoping you find an ulcer instead, which he said we could possibly find an ulcer and if it were at the door between my stomach and small intestine that it could be causing these problems. pray and cross your fingers. I will do the happy dance and post a video of it if I have an ulcer.)

So, confirmation, there are three things I get to do in order to get confirmation. Well, four if you count the blood tests.

We did a blood test to check for celiac, my thyroid, and for autoimmune markers. Celiac I was tested for in 2008 and didn’t have it, but he just wanted to verify. He wanted to be assured that my thyroid is working. And he’s checking for autoimmune markers to verify that we’re not missing something that could cause all kinds of trouble (I like him for that, he gets more points.)

He’s going to have my stomach section-ish area (i wasn’t fully paying attention because this was the least enthusiastic thing on the road to confirmation) ultrasound’d to see if we see anything like maybe a broken gallbladder.

He’s going to scope my stomach (from the mouth down) to make sure that there’s no blockage in my stomach and to biopsy it. (Remember, in the event that he sees an ulcer, I’m doing the happy dance because an ulcer has a cure.) I was originally excited to get scoped because I wanted to be awake for it while he looked at my stomach because I wanted to see my stomach but he said I have to be sedated so I’m not as excited about getting scoped.

BUT! I’m really excited for this.

I get to eat a radioactive sammich, or something radioactive and get x-rayed so that we can see how fast, or slow in my case, my stomach empties. I’m excited about this because I get to eat something radioactive, and that just sounds cool, like maybe it will make me glow or something. That would be awesome, especially if super powers came from me glowing, that’d be a bonus (ok, i know that’s not going to happen, but I have to look at the bright side of this, and glowing is as bright as it gets).

OH! The thing that really won me over with him is that he didn’t jump the gun, he made a point of not jumping the gun. Instead of discussing gastroparesis with me in depth he said “we’re going to confirm you have it and then we can talk about how to manage it”.

Overall, I think he summed up what’s going on with me well (once we get confirmation of course) when he said “what we have here is a diabetic who’s blood sugars are out of control and has gastroparesis”.

I love my stomach doctor. He’s awesome. If you’re in Albuquerque, NM and you need a gastroenterologist, feel free to contact me or leave a comment and I’ll let you know who this fantastic stomach doctor is.

Flatline - Diabetes 365 - January 15, 2010

To flatline, in my opinion, is probably the coolest thing that can happen when it comes to diabetes and a constant glucose monitoring system (CGMS). For me it’s rare, as in, almost impossible rare. It’s quite a feat. The last time I flatlined…actually, I didn’t flatline, there was one stupid little blip in my flat line; I was playing with danger. I was low but I was consistently low so in an attempt to get a 3 hour flatline on my graph, I left it…I didn’t treat it or anything and I didn’t get a flat line either. I got a stupid blip that deviated from my flat line…

I digress. Back to the flatline. Impossible to get.

So when I see something on my graph that looks like it could be a flatline, I get all excited. This is what happened at 11:45 on Thursday night. I looked at my graph and saw a beautiful flat line…a whole 30 minutes of beautiful flatline. And I proceeded to get neurotic about it. Every so often I was looking at the graph, for well over an hour and a half to see that I was still at a flatline. It’s exciting you see, to see that line that says, “hey, your blood sugars, they’ve been steady for several hours now.” That’s exciting. So at 1:07am, I had completed three hours of flatlining. My blood sugar ranged from 106 to 114 and that in Medtronic Minimed CGM terms constituted a flatline.

I was very excited, it’s quite an accomplishment, rarely is it realistic (luckily it’s almost easy to have happen when you’re not eating and your bolus rates are in “perfect” condition and it’s late at night so there’s nothing stressful happening).