Falling Into A Place Of Not Caring And Climbing Back Out

The point of being the places we’ve been in life when they’re bad is to learn from them and not repeat them…but I have a bad habit of often repeating the bad places I’ve been with diabetes. I fall into the “I don’t care” place and everything falls apart.

It’s starts with one small little thing that derails me because I get aggrevated and next thing I know I’m in a very BIG bad place with no desire to climb back out because the amount of work to correct the wrong is…well…a lot of work.

I’ve fallen back into the BIG bad place and it’s so bad that my a1c is at 9.1 which the likes of hasn’t been seen since 2006ish. It got very easy to be in a place of not taking insulin, eating whatever I wanted, barely checking blood sugars and watching weight fall off me. At the same time I derailed, I stopped running and cycling. This is always a mistake and I’m well aware of this, I have to keep on track with my exercise because it forces me to keep on track with my blood sugars…bad blood sugars = no exercise…likewise, no exercise = bad blood sugars…

I knew I was in a bad place and I’ve known it for months, but then I just couldn’t pull myself out of it. Then I had the realization that I’m mortal last week and I pulled my act slightly together…enough to start logging my numbers, checking my blood, watching what I eat, and taking insulin.

The fear at that time was, ugh, all the weight is going to pile back on. I hate that part, the putting the weight back on part and in a sense, to be honest, it drove me not wanting to take care of myself. How easy it was to eat whatever I wanted and not gain weight…to even just lose weight. In December I lived on Diet Mountain Dew and Payday bars and cheetos…that was my happy place, not the healthiest of happy places, but it’s where I was.

And now I’m here…having seen my endo Tuesday and being put on diabetes probation…having 6 weeks to pull my act together or be pulled off the pump. Being pulled off the pump and having to go back on shots and prove again that I’m capable of being a responsible person that can responsibly use the equipment that is available for me to use.

The hope is that after the ephiphany I had last week that I don’t end up here again. But it’s rough.

I told my doctor the other day, the more I “control” my diabetes, the more I feel that it controls me, because I’m bound to it, having to check my blood, count carbs, write things down, take insulin. It drives me nuts and puts me in an unhappy place. It interferes with all I want to do because it’s an inconvience. I hate having to stop what I’m doing in order to do what I have to do. I just so badly want to be free of it, but even there, there’s a diminishing hope. But then there’s the flip side of how I can’t do all I want to do if I don’t take care of it either. So it’s a constant internal struggle, go do the things I want to do and take diabetes with me or don’t do them at all and don’t take diabetes anywhere either…neither are quite satisfying and I’ll get into places where I’m doing what I want to be doing and diabetes is there but then there’s the times where life gets dark and happiness gets lost…and I destroy everything that I’ve worked for by not taking care of diabetes.

I also told my endo my ephiphany and she didn’t realize that I didn’t think I was mortal…she didn’t realize that I was playing with my life as though I was immortal. I also told her that I understand that there’s no perfection in diabetes and that I can’t make it perfect no matter what I do, that even with counting every carb exactly and regularly checking my blood and taking insulin that things are still going to get off track. Like right now, with logging, my blood sugars are great until I wake up and then my blood sugars soar…it’s not a time thing, I can wake up at different times daily and within 40 minutes of waking up my blood sugars are rising. This is one of those places where a schedule and consistency are required, but I hate that too…

Again, the more I control diabetes, the more I feel it controls me.

It’s just all so frustrating…but then, I went on to tell my endo that I understand now that this is a lifestyle…that it’s not going anywhere…that I can’t treat it like people treat a diet and yo-yo with it. I have to be consistent…*sigh* how I hate consistency.

I said a lot of things that my doc never thought she’d hear out of me. It’s been almost 20 years with this disease and only now am I to a point where I’m realizing that I’m mortal and if I want to live long I’m going to have to take care of myself with a seriousness that I’ve never had before.

This has to be the year where I don’t crumble and fall. This will be the year where I establish my lifestyle not because I have to, but because I want to live long…it’s become a reality now, I don’t want to be the first of all my friends to go because I didn’t do my due diligence in taking care of this damn disease. I don’t want to get to a place in life where I finally have all that I want but then there’s the regret that I destroyed the longevity of it by not taking care of myself.

I want to be able to sit and write about all I have accomplished with this disease instead of letting it tear me apart mentally, physically and emotionally because I can’t deal with the realness of it and all its side effects and ending with me just giving up.

It’s a lot to take in…but I have to start heading in the right direction with all of this…I don’t want to be the next dead diabetic.

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