The Pendulum Swings

By Courtney | No Rookie Marks »

On several occasions I’ve heard it, and it’s true so I can’t deny it. I’m like a pendulum. I’m either far to one side or the other and rarely on middle ground when it comes to diabetes. The swinging has become less often, but the time I spend on the good side is far less than that spent on the bad side.

The way I see it is that the sick reality of diabetes is that it sucks. No matter how I spin it, it sucks. Blood checking, counting carbs, taking insulin, logging food and numbers, the general interruption to life…but, it could be worse right??? Of course, that’s what they always tell us, those who aren’t in a position of “our worse”. But I’m going to go with this for a minute…it could be worse.

So let’s just say that I spent 9 days on the good side.

Then…

Last Friday I woke up with an attitude, I didn’t want to check my blood, count my carbs, or log anything. This was 9 days into my changed attitude that I needed to stop camping next to death and start taking care of myself. I got up, checked my blood, ate, and went to the gym to swim (I did this because I had an accountability partner and while I would’ve gotten a comment about not getting up and getting her and going to the gym, she wouldn’t have been so sad if I had let her sleep in)…I was good up to this point…and then after the gym, I had a screw it attitude and was like minded in my actions.

Ok, that’s the bad side…

But then here’s a good side thought…

What kind of life am I living that I have to do all this stuff to live…well, I’m living, I’m alive, I get to wake up in the mornings and go to the gym, because I’m healthy and doing what I need to do to take care of myself.

But then I spent some time on the bad side…

Friday I at least semi logged. Saturday I didn’t log and my number of checks went down to about half of what I was doing (of course, I didn’t get up until 11:30 so that automatically reduces the numbers of checks I do anyways). Monday I logged all of Sunday’s numbers and Monday’s numbers… Tuesday – Wednesday my checking of the numbers was where it should be but the logging was non-existent.

I don’t know what it is about logging – which does me so much good – helps me identify patterns, see which foods cause me problems, know what time of the day my numbers are all whack – that frustrates me so much. I don’t like to do it on the computer because it’s mindless and doesn’t mean as much to me even though there’s like a million tools for charts and graphs. It just doesn’t take effect like paper does, but the desire to write things down on paper is pretty small too. Maybe because it takes time and effort to actually do it and I don’t want to put down what I’m doing to pick up a pen and write down a few facts…because you know…it’s a distraction…

Middle ground

Today I back logged all my numbers from all the days I didn’t log them. And I decided that I need a day where I don’t log. Like when you’re on a diet and you get a cheat meal/day. I need a “don’t log day”…but I made a rule (that will probably be broken because that’s what rules are for)…the rule is that the “don’t log day” can only stay in existence as long as I am checking my blood like I’m supposed to. If the blood check starts slipping the “don’t log day” has to go away.

This is me moving to middle ground. An attempt to slow the swing of the pendulum.

[side note] I think it’s possible I do things backwards, I start too intense and then have to put things in place to stop the burnout…I should try starting slower next time.[/side note]

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