Reverb10: Meh

I used to go to a journaling class monthly…sometimes twice monthly. It was the…resolution to dealing with my anger surrounding diabetes and my almost killing myself by neglecting diabetes for a year. Each year, we would choose a word for what we wanted to describe the upcoming year. I have no recollection or written record of choosing a word for 2010. Now here we are almost at the end of the year and there’s this Reverb 10 project that I’m aware of because Lee Ann is doing it.

There’s these writing prompts, daily, to help us reflect on the year we’ve had. I’ve been bad at writing lately. I have so much to say but have been filtering it. I’m irritated, angry, annoyed, uninterested. When I started blogging, I stopped journaling, that was a mistake. Journaling was a way to process what was going on in my life, since I haven’t been blogging and I haven’t been journaling, everything has mostly been pent up inside of me except for when it all comes out in a verbal waterfall of anger. This, this is needed. So here we go.

Reverb 10 Prompt: One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

2010. One word. Meh. I wanted a word that would best fit meh and exciting but I think that word, if you averaged the two together, would be indifferent which is what meh is. So, meh it is. Meh.

meh (slang mɛ)
interj, —adj
1. an expression of indifference or boredom, mediocre or boring

When I look back at this past year, I’m unimpressed with it. It wasn’t great. I feel as though I did so little. I started the year sick. For months tests were done with no results. I never got better, it was just varying degrees of bad. When I finally came out of the slumps from my stomach issues I was unmotivated to do anything. I never really pulled my act together for this year. It took until a month ago for me to back track to the beginning and do something I refused to do because I tested negative. Now, now I’m ready to start the year that should’ve started 11 months ago. But now, now I’m preparing for this next year.

It’s funny, because at the beginning of the year I sat down and said that this year was all about no goals. And yet, as I sit here and write this, I feel as though I had so much I wanted to do and I didn’t do it. I think, having stuff I want to do, that’s goals. This year, with no goals, I ended up with meh. I think no goals was a mistake. But we live and we learn, so this is the lesson that goals are important.

But then, I can move past the meh, because I can’t really quantify what it is that was lacking from this year except the fact that I wasn’t on the road as much as I wanted. I enjoy traveling. I think I’m a nomad in a small sense of the word. I don’t want to just stay put year round. I want to travel, I want to go to different places, I want to go see people in other places. I’m not fully satisfied with the here.

And then, there’s the exciting. This year was huge for me on a God level. Or a faith level. They’re the same, for me. I was questioning many things in my life and God told me that He has me exactly where He wants me. So much happened. I was able to go to a deeper level with Him. This year was really probably all about believing and trusting. And that’s hard for me. I want so much and to believe and trust that I’m in the right places doing the right things is hard. But then I get messages, signals, confirmations and it makes it all worth it. I know that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be, doing what I’m supposed to be doing and there’s satisfaction in that.

In other exciting news this year, I was in Fitness Magazine in September, I set PRs for every race I did, I finished a piece of art that had been plaguing me for almost a year (that’s huge) and I’m now an aunt. Those are big things…but still, this year was meh.

2011…2011 has to be better than 2010. Actually, it will be better, because I’m gonna make it better. My 2011 word will be action.

ac·tion [ak-shuhn]
–noun
1. the process or state of acting or of being active:
2. something done or performed; act; deed.
3. an act that one consciously wills and that may be characterized by physical or mental activity
4. actions, habitual or usual acts; conduct
5. energetic activity

I want to look back a year from now and say “yeah, I did all I wanted to do, I took action”. I want to be, in a sense, like my favorite Looney Toons character Wile E. Coyote.

He was crazy, but he’d come up with a plan and he’d carry it out. He was persistent, he knew what he wanted and he went after it.

I think far too much and don’t ‘do’ nearly enough. I want to take action. I want to see things played out. I want to passionately pursue whatever I decide I want to do in 2011.

Tagged as: Reverb10