I love the mountains when they have clouds rolling over them like a crashing wave. It’s as though they couldn’t hold they clouds up and so the clouds draped over them like a heavy burden. The way the clouds hang over the mountain is how diabetes feels hanging over me.
Diabetes can be a heavy burden on so many levels. There’s the management side of it, the striving for unobtainable perfection. The burden of self care necessary to avoid complications of diabetes is huge. Then there’s the economic burden of it, trying to pay for everything required to have immaculate self care so that I can avoid the complications (you see how this is all tying in). Lastly is the burden of the complications of diabetes that were attained because I didn’t feel like taking care of the diabetes for the first 15 years I had it (make note that I’ve only had it 17 years).
Yes, the burden of complications. Or more relevant to me is the burden of impending complications, the yet to be proven complications. Or one complication in particular: gastroparesis. I’ve had “gastroparesis” hanging over my head since my appointment with my PCP in December and it’s been unfun. Or not fun. How about intolerable. It’s there but it’s not. I’ve got this thing, this problem where it hurts to eat. Where I get nauseous if I eat. Where it feels best if I vomit after eating. Where it really is easier to just not eat. It brings me to tears, the emotionalism of it, but also the pain of it, the physical pain it causes.
The confirmation of gastroparesis has been looming over me like the cloud on the mountain and tomorrow I finally have an appointment to get the ball rolling so that I can know if gastroparesis is something that I have to worry about or if by the grace of God an ulcer has been causing me all this trouble. (Because you know, an ulcer would be ideal, it’s curable.)
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