I wanted to go cycling today. I wanted to take the first ride of 2010. The sun was shining and it wasn’t too cold (mid 30s).
I went to my friend’s house to grab my cycling jersey and jacket. In the process of getting ready to walk out the door I had a thought that made me open my mouth. I opened my mouth in the area of me exercising with no food in my system, without having been able to keep much food in my system since the week of Christmas. The conversation didn’t go well. But I talk to this friend because I know she cares, I know she’ll tell me the truth, and when I asked, as painful as it was, I know that she’ll keep on me for what I have to do.
She straight up called me stupid for wanting to ride with no energy stores. She told me how riding was going to not help my muscles but injure them further (they’re already dissipating).
My stomach issues are a problem, a big problem, they’re a problem in my daily life where I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to keep the food I eat in my system and they’re a problem in my sporting life where really I have no energy to really be out there doing anything.
Had I not talked with my friend I would’ve gone riding today and I know without a doubt that I wouldn’t have made it through my 30 miles that I had planned on riding. It was a chore this morning to even get my bike into my car. As I was loading the bike my dad asked if I was okay because I didn’t look good. My response to him was that I’m broken and if I can’t start eating like a normal human that I was going to wither away.
I’ve been miserable and today the miserableness got worse as I sat on the floor and cried because it was unsmart to go ride my bike. I looked down the other week and wondered who’s legs were attached to my body because they’d lost their muscle mass. I thought that no matter how I felt if I could just get out there and run/cycle do whatever that the muscle would have to come back. I thought that if I just got out there I could do it, do anything. The other day I went running and it tore me apart. The next day I went snowshoeing and it tore me down more. Crazy intense exhaustion has set in, I don’t have energy to do much. But the unsmart person in me will get out there and do it.
And so today, I asked something that I hated to ask. I asked my friend to keep on me. To keep on me for whatever it was going to take to fix my stomach. When she asked for boundaries I said I wasn’t giving her any. It’s going to be hard and trying, but I don’t have time for this nonsense with my stomach. I already hate what I have to do.
Food as I know it has become non-existent as of today. And I love food so the death of it is sad. Very sad. No more chai lattes on a whim from StarBucks. No more double meat, double cheese, Italian BMT on wheat with lettuce tomato and chipolte southwest dressing from Subway. No more lunch meat before bed. No more anything that’s normal to my life where food is concerned, or drinks for that matter. NO MORE MOUNTAIN DEW!!! *sniff*
My current diet now consists of berry smoothies, with no milk or yogurt, no added sugar, just frozen berries and either water or orange juice. If I get a low blood sugar orange juice is the remedy. If I feel the need to chew on something raw almonds (not salted) are my treat. Almonds cannot be eaten in conjunction with the smoothies. Veggies are a go, but more of the stuff like spinach, cauliflower, broccoli, cucumber, avocado, celery as opposed to the good veggies like carrots. The hours I don’t eat I’ll be drinking some slippery elm because it coats the stomach.
The thought of this makes me cry, but I’m tired of the stomach problems I’ve had over the past month and I really need to get healthy so that I can cycle. Tomorrow I call my doctor to see about an appointment to get my stomach scoped. I’ll also be calling a natural doctor, the doctor my friend went to when she had her stomach problems.
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