I wrote about how the best way to stay on the wagon is to strive not to fall off in the middle of the month. I blew October out of the water in terms of taking care of myself. And I’m struggling to get back on track. And it’s one of those things where you don’t want to tell your family and friends. And I don’t want my family and friends to hold me accountable because it’s the easiest way for me to hate someone, hold me accountable for diabetes. Because they don’t know how to do it in moderation, it’s full fledged or not at all. So I prefer not at all, and I work hard to make sure that people don’t talk to me about diabetes. I don’t want to talk about it with people because it pisses me off, the things they say, because they really have no idea what they’re talking about. And then, it’s my fault that they have no idea what they’re talking about because I don’t educate them. This vicious circle of diabetes sucks.
I’m not motivated. I’m back to struggling to find a reason to take good care of this damned disease. Heck to take any care at all these days is a struggle. I don’t even know how to ask for help because I don’t know what I need. I have a doctors appointment on December 1st. That is the beginning of my every 6 week appointments that I requested back in September during that doctors visit.
I really hope that seeing the doctor more often helps in some way or else I’m a very lost lamb in a very deep dark cave that is floundering in a very cold lake.
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I feel ya…such a difficult position…I want more support from my family/friends but every time I do try to explain things like you said above they don’t do it in moderation, accompany that with what they hear about how to manage diabetes in the media and they start talking about things they don’t understand which then YES pisses me right off too…endless!
I’m still working to get my full fledge fight back that got lost around 2yrs ago…it’s a struggle I’m taking one day at a time…definately making baby steps in the right direction to stay on the wagon but it’s not easy… I tinker with taking an antidepressant but therapist says not needed as of yet…I don’t really know what I need either but I do know if I can get past the stupid ‘thinking’ stage I get stuck at and get my butt moving & exercising it does help a lot but it’s a challenge for me… if I let myself I could stay in that cave & hibernate right now
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I too struggled for many, many years until about two weeks ago. My doctor explained the risks I was setting myself up for by not taking my insulin and following my diet. I just put my mind to it and have been faithful for two so far (expecting to continue). One thing my doctor mentioned is: “You don’t want to end up in a nursing home with people having to take full control of you do you”. I thought about that and decided “no, I don’t” and started up on my plan. I don’t want my daughter being stuck taking care of me because of complications. I hope that helps you.
It’s OK, Courtney. It’s OK to fall off the wagon and get back on. It’s OK to be halfway on the wagon and halfway off. You can only do what you can do.
What really holds us accountable is our health. And we want to be healthy so we struggle.
It’s going to be a struggle anyway. I’d rather struggle with trying to keep my blood sugar in range than struggle with losing my eyesight and/or my kidney function.
I don’t need someone who doesn’t know what it’s like, and doesn’t face the threats we face, telling me what I should be doing.
I do what I can. I’m not always perfect, but I don’t feel guilty about it. I think that helps break a possible cycle of bad feelings.
Maybe you feel like you have to do better because you’re a hero, Courtney, but heroes don’t have to be perfect. Not even.
You are admired. You deserve it. Keep struggling.