The easy way out. But then again, when is the easy way out not tempting…the problem with what’s tempting me, the easy way out, is it’s pretty much deadly. Let me set the scene for you. Yes, I’m an athlete. No, I’m not out of shape. No, I have no idea what qualifies as in shape. No, I don’t like the way my body looks. I still have a belly (which I’m convinced I’ll always have because of the sheer number of shots I did in it and thus the muscle is destroyed but that I also think is an excuse because Kerri’s abs look fab from the pics she has out there, at least I think I’ve seen her abs in pics, I could be imagining them and how good they look because I know she’s at the gym so often working out, all that to say, people with diabetes have good abs, I just know it deep down in my soul)
Ok, so the problem is that I’m a size 10 in my jeans, it shouldn’t be disconcerting because I used to be a 12 when I was younger, and 10 isn’t bad. It’s just a number. Except, it’s not just a number. There’s a stigma around that number in my life. I don’t like it. There’s no reason I should have to like it because I know I can happily be a size 8. Except, what my really big issue is, is that I can be a size 6. I was there several years ago, it was awesome to be in size 6 pants. Don’t ask me why, I don’t know…Smaller is better, 6 is smaller.
Ok, the tempting part. The easiest way I know to drop the weight, happens to be the most dangerous way, stop taking insulin and go into DKA. That just happens to be what was going on when I was in a size 6 pant. I almost died when that happened.
Still, the thoughts come to me, “just for a couple of months, you survived a year on no insulin”…but then the other thoughts “the minute I start taking insulin again the weight is going to come back”.
It’s tempting, it’s a thought I entertain, it’s not something I’ve taken action on. But oh how easy it would be to get back into a size 6 pant…
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I do occasionally get similar temptations, though maybe not to that extent. When I know my sugars are high, I often think to myself “better take the opportunity to pee out some calories now”. However I, personally, cannot stand the feeling of having high levels for hours. I don’t know how you did it for a year. While I have no intention on using DKA as a method to lose pounds, it was a bit of a relief to read that this has crossed another diabetic’s mind and I’m not just a stupidly vain person for pondering about it. Thank you.
I’ve actually seen this referred to as “diabulimia,” and it’s not uncommon.
I’m glad you’re choosing health over trivialities like numbers on labels and looking skinny. Good for you.
When I was omitting insulin, which as I’ve openly said I did for 18 years to varying extents, one of the big hurdles wasn’t just the fact that once I started taking the amount of insulin I was supposed to take I’d gain weight – although I did develop an irrational fear of that. I had constructed so many rationalizations and justifications about what I was doing, that completely altering the way I thought about insulin and managing my diabetes was really hard to flip in the right direction. It’s a road that’s easy to take, but it’s damn hard to turn around and find the right path.
I’m glad you’re blogging about it rather than doing it. For what it’s worth, I think you look fabulous in the pictures I’ve seen.