I’ve noticed recently, probably in the past year or so that every time I want to go eat a treat and I need to go to the cupboard or the snack box that I catch myself inadvertently looking around to see if anyone is watching me get cookies or m&m’s.
I used to be able to sneak food with the best of them and I felt no guilt about it. These were the days when having a cookie was "bad". When it was a big no-no to do so. It was back in the early days of my diabetic career (early 90s).
Present day, it’s ok to eat a cookie every now and then or to occasionally have a treat, it’s all about moderation. And even though I know this, and I will help myself to a treat (almost daily) I still feel like I have to sneak it. And it makes me feel like a criminal, because I’m watching to see if anyone is watching me, and I’m really quiet when I’m getting the treat so that I don’t get caught. The problem is that I’m not doing anything criminalistic, what used to be forbidden and considered "breaking the law" is now acceptable.
I’ll never forget my first recollection of getting caught. I had a little jar container that I had taken to the kitchen and filled with these little bite size pretzel roll things that had this mustard powder on them, they made them all the way to my room and into my top dresser drawer. And then, every so often (every too often) I would sneak into my room and eat a couple.
My mom came in and caught me red handed when I was about half way through the jar. I was standing on the stool and the top drawer of my dresser was open and I had my fingers in the jar. She, with a raised voice, said "what are you doing?" and I couldn’t lie, it was rather obvious what I was doing. I was sneaking food. Boy did I get into trouble. But that didn’t stop me from continuing to sneak food.
That’s the memory that sticks out the most in my head in terms of getting caught. I think the most thought through sneaky operations I ever had were at halloween, when I became a candy smuggler.
As the years went on, I became careless in my sneakiness and became less stealthy which means I was getting caught all the time, my parents, grandparents, teachers, friends…oh man did they lay into me, and even still some will lay into me, and the diabetic police are still out there, but they just need to be educated, although, i’m usually too pissed that they think they have the right to ask if i should be eating whatever i’m eating to educate them on why I’m allowed to have it and so they’ll just hear "because I can" as I turn to walk away.
Now a-days when I go for that package of cookies and I look around to see if anyone is watching the voice in my head says "you don’t have to sneak it, you can just have it, it’s ok if they see you, you can’t get into trouble for it, it’s not like you’re eating cookies in bulk, it’s just a couple." The rest of me says "grab it and get out of there before you get into trouble."
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Man, I was having flashbacks as I read that! It’s rough to always be looking over your shoulder, and when you grew up doing it, it’s hard to shake it as an adult. When I’m at home and it’s just me and Jason, I’ve almost completely gotten over the feeling of doing something bad. When I’m with other people, I half expect to have to field comments and questions. The real crime is that we can’t just do our thing and take care of ourselves without people thinking we must not know what we’re doing.
Those early times can really stamp an imprint into our person, can’t they!?
haha, Scott, it’s those early years that have me in therapy…I’m having trouble getting past all I was told when I was little…it’s ingrained in my head.