Somewhere in the year in which I was 12, I was plagued with daily and/or nightly stomach aches. I can remember sitting in the kitchen, in a chair, just crying to mom about how much my stomach hurt and her telling me that there was nothing she could do. I’d mope around the house, I’d curl up on my bed, I’d go lay on the bathroom floor. It was a pretty miserable time in my life. Pepto-bismal didn’t work, mylanta didn’t work, tums didn’t work, peppermint candies didn’t work. Nothing worked on my stomach aches. Well, nothing except for vomiting, that was the only relief I could get from my stomach aches, but that was rough on my throat and I wasn’t exactly a fan of it.
I can remember doctor appointments where I had to drink this white chalky stuff so that they could see in my belly, I remember the ultra sounds. I remember being told that they couldn’t find anything wrong with my stomach that would cause the stomach aches I was getting.
I can remember my 13th birthday where mom had decided that she’d had enough of my stomach aches, and the crying, and the vomiting, and the low blood sugars associated with the vomiting because there was no longer food in my system and there was still insulin in my system and how I’d refuse to eat and so she took me to the ER.
I can remember when I was put on some kind of medication that I had to take 30 minutes before each meal and how that didn’t last long because I hate taking pills. It maybe lasted 2 years max.
That is what this past week has reminded me of. Each night I’ve gone to bed with a stomach ache. Each night I’ve woken up because of the stomach ache. Each night I’ve tried to ignore the fact that I have a stomach ache and feel the need to vomit. Most nights, I ended up worshipping the porcelain god. Over the past week, him and I have gotten reacquainted with each other.
The difference between now and when I was 13, is that I now have a fear of vomiting. While I may gain relief from vomiting, it now causes insurmountable amounts of anxiety. Is once going to be enough. If I vomit more than once is it a product of my stomach ache or is it a case of DKA (diabetic ketoacidosis) in the makings. And while I’m mostly dutiful in making sure that my blood sugars are within an acceptable range and that I don’t have ketones, I still fear that they’ll appear simply because it’s happened in the past. I fear vomiting because once it starts, and if it doesn’t stop, when I finally get around to getting to the ER they usually won’t just pump me full of fluids and give me something to stop the vomiting, they also try to keep me there.
Yes, this past week has been kindof like when I was almost 13, except worse because I’ve got experiences to throw into the mix that cause me anxiety.