I’m having a fit, because my pants don’t fit. The weather has started to cool down and I’ve gotten lazy about shaving my legs so I’ve been wearing pants a bit more often. I know the scale says that I’ve gained weight since winter, but I’d like to attribute that to muscle growth, not fat. But by the same token, my belly isn’t decreasing in size (which is all my fault, I’m not a fan of doing a million crunches), and my thighs seem to have gotten bigger, I can handle my belly size because it’s not increased, but my thighs, I don’t like my jeans tight around my thighs.
Last week I was looking through my pants that aren’t jeans and I found a pair that I didn’t wear last year because they didn’t fit. I put them on, and BAM! they fit, that was exciting, but when I looked at the tag, they said they were a size bigger than all my jeans. I shouldn’t have looked at tag. I have a complex when it comes to the size of my pants. Blame it on me being a women and the social stigmatism of the size of clothing that we constantly battle.
I started thinking about when I was a size 6. There was one year, where I could actually fit into a size 6 pant, and I fit well. That was the excitement of my college years, that one year that I was no longer a size 12, but I was half that.
Being able to drop enough weight and muscle/body fat to get into a size 6 was a bonus to having almost killed myself. I say bonus because I didn’t know that it was a side effect of not taking insulin and having my blood sugars run high for the year that I did.
My mind wandered back to that time in my life when I pulled my pants on and they felt a little tight. I’ve said it before, I’d be very easy for me to go back to not taking care of myself. I started thinking about how long I’d have to run high before my clothes started fitting loosely again. I couldn’t calculate it in my brain simply because that wasn’t the point of not taking care of myself a few years back. I had no clue how long it was before I started dropping from size 12, to 10, to 8, and then finally into size 6. Would it take a month or two or more? And what about when I started taking care of myself again, wouldn’t I just gain all the weight back…
It seemed like more work than it’s worth to figure out what kind of abuse I’d have to do to my diabetes in order to fit into my size 10 jeans. That stopped me in my tracks, I’ll go back to the size 12 for now, they’re looser and more comfortable (but that doesn’t mean I’m happy about it by any means).