My Demons
Yesterday, I went on my first true training ride since being released by the doctor to return to cycling. I went with some fellow Outlaws and I knew it was going to be between a 40-50 mile ride. It wasn’t the distance that bothered me, it was the speed, I know that the Outlaws are fast and I was concerned with whether or not I’d be able to keep up with them. 18 mph was the average of the person that was going to be my rabbit. Before this ride, my idea of me working myself was 15 mph, there was a new slow person in town, ME!
When we started off, we were going about 18 mph, I held up for about 12 or so miles and then I had problems keeping up, even with me having problems keeping up, I was still going 16 mph. It was my fastest ride ever. In that respect I loved the group ride, I always hear “you get fast by riding with fast people” and then at one point I commented “one day I may be able to keep up with y’all” and S. Baboo said “you get strong by riding with strong people.” I felt bad because he’s a fast fast rider and he had slowed waaaaaaaaaaaaay down and was riding with me…
As I reflect on this ride, I could’ve pushed myself faster because I never felt the burn in my legs, I simply just didn’t have the energy, and I know why. I always know why, the blood sugars tell why, which is completely frustrating because I’d really like to have another reason about why I wasn’t pushing myself harder.
I have exactly one demon these days, and I went as far as to comment that I’m never going to be able to do an Ironman if I can’t get past my demons. My demon is diabetes. And really that’s no secret. I’d really like for it to not impede my thoughts when I’m out there doing my thing, but it enters my mind and echos all that I’ve been hearing since I got the damn disease “you can’t do that”. It pisses me off to hear those words in my head. I was hearing them at about 5 miles, I knew by my cottony mouth that my blood sugar was high, a check showed that I was 260. I thought to myself, “it’s ok, you’re going to be high, you ate that Clif bar a half hour ago and only dosed for half of it.” 20 minutes later, I was feeling worse, the voices in my head stronger, I checked, I was 278. I was going the wrong direction, I should’ve been coming down, I was pushing myself hard, I never ride at that intensity, there was no reason for my sugars to be climbing, everything I knew said that they should’ve been coming down.
At this point I was so frustrated that I took some insulin so that I’d come down. And now, looking at things in hindsight, there’s one more thing I should’ve done, I should’ve had some GU and took insulin for it. I hadn’t had any the whole ride and I’m thinking that’s another reason I was having problems keeping up, I had sapped out all my energy and never replenished it. I didn’t have any because my sugars weren’t normal, and thus, the diabetic in me said there was no reason for it. And, the diabetic in me overpowers the athlete in me, and thus, I made a big mistake.
A half hour later, my numbers were beginning to descend and I was 249. An hour and a half later, when the ride was over, I was finally in normal range, I was at 116 and I felt better than I had since getting up and getting ready for the ride.
I don’t know why I went high, I did what I’ve trained to do. I got up at 4:30 to set my basal rate to 50% of my normal intake. A half hour before the ride, I ate my CLIF bar and bolused for half the carbs. I was well hydrated. I was set, I started the ride at 198. I should’ve never gone high, but I did.
In the future, I’ll still have a GU at the 15 mile marks simply because I need it for energy. If I had had a normal blood check, I would’ve eaten one and not bolused, now I know that no matter what my sugar is, be it high or normal, I need to have one, and if I’m high, I’ll need to bolus for it.
Would I have seen that if I hadn’t had my demon in my head, maybe, but who knows, this time, I know that I’ve now learned something else to add to my books…I can’t sacrifice nutrition just because my blood sugars aren’t where I think they should be…
3 Responses to “My Demons”
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July 31st, 2008 at 9:37 am
Hey Courtney,
One thing that could be happening: you are getting more and more fit and as strange as it is, it might be that you don’t need to cut down on the insulin for carbs as much as you had to previously… Matt can explain the physiology of it, but the more fit you become in each sport (and overall) the less you have to keep taking less insulin… not that you’ll need MORE insulin usually, but the reductions to prevent lows end up being less.
So, in a weird way, the fact that you went high during this ride might be a sign of your increased fitness!!! Silver linings surprise us all the time!!!!
You are learning to live with the demons… maybe just taming them is the goal… I’m not sure they ever go away… that’d be the cure.
Mari
August 9th, 2008 at 8:23 pm
[...] went in with a good attitude and my demons never made an appearance which really made me happy. There were a few hiccups this morning, I had [...]
August 16th, 2008 at 10:57 pm
[...] went on my second training ride with the Outlaws today and I must say, compared to the first ride I rode with them, this one was soooooo much better. The blood sugars weren’t quite as well [...]