So amidst all the questions that went on this past week was the comment “I don’t like these questions, it makes me go places I don’t like to go. To emotional places.” And a question followed that comment of course “What kind of emotions?” And then me “anger, irritation, frustration” And then her “what are you angry about” and me “my diabetes” (you take the diabetes away, and I really have nothing to be angry about.)
So, somewhere amongst all this, something was said, I really don’t remember what. Something like accepting the disease instead of being angry about it or something. Whatever it was that spawned the comment I do remember must’ve been insignificant in comparison to what I’m about to tell you. I never told anyone this ever before. But considering most the people in my life would seriously knock me upside the head for this comment it’s just safer to not speak it out loud.
What I said was: “I think it would’ve been easier to accept if I wasn’t raised Christian” and of course, I had to expand on it. And so I explained how as a Christian (which I usually don’t announce because I don’t like the connotations and standards we’re upheld to as one) I believe in a loving merciful God. But here’s this loving and merciful God that’s letting the world go to hell in a handbasket and His people are suffering and it’s bull crap. The God I believe in, could stop everything in it’s tracks, bad stuff doesn’t have to happen. (And if you’re a Christian, don’t give me the “we have choices” crap. I didn’t choose to have diabetes.)
So my theory is, if I didn’t grow up with an understanding of this loving and merciful God that I could’ve maybe had an easier time in accepting my diabetes. (Mind you, I’m working on accepting it.) I have good reasons to be angry at God for letting me get diabetes (don’t give me the unjust anger bit either). There was no good reason for me to get diabetes. He could’ve not let it happen and He did and so my toughest battle is with this God. I have problems accepting things that didn’t have to be. It would’ve been one thing for me to be like all the other people in my family who are unhealthy cows and get diabetes, but it’s another thing for me to get it without making bad lifestyle choices. That I could’ve accepted, I would’ve done that to myself.
As it is, I have huge problems accepting it. It didn’t have to happen. I didn’t have to get it. Where’s the all loving and merciful God now?