M is for Motivated

By Courtney | No Rookie Marks »

M is for Motivated

mo·ti·vat·ed [moh-tuh-veyt-ed]
  -adjective
  provided with a motive or given incentive for action

It was a battle to choose to use this word for the letter ‘M’. Mainly because I’m not always motivated. But then, I guess that’s true of all people. We’re not all motivated all the time.

I think I chose this word because of a conversation with my mom, which wasn’t so much a conversation as it was me yelling at her (yes, I know I do that a lot). In my mental breakdown over diabetes last week and this past weekend she had said that I fought for everything I couldn’t have and never took the opportunities that I did have. A day later I asked her what opportunities she thinks I had that I never took in middle/high school. She said “how about we go past high school” and I was like, “I didn’t care about after high school, I was in college because it’s required by life, not because I wanted to be there.” (and I went on about that for a few moments) I said “I didn’t want my diabetes and I didn’t care nor did I think about what was going to happen if I didn’t take care of myself” to which she said “we noticed” (or something close to those lines). I told her there was no reason to take care of it.

This is where it hurt, her saying “so you have to have a reason to take care of yourself?” Harsh reality, I do, there has to be a reason worth living. It’s not enough to just live, I’ve got to be doing something. I’ve got to feel like I’m accomplishing something.

There are times that I fight real hard to keep myself from getting unmotivated, because if I’m unmotivated, that just causes trouble. But when I am motivated, that’s just pure sweetness. I strive to make things happen when I’m motivated. There just has to be a reason for doing it, I’m not normally a person that does things without there being a reason. But there are times when I’m unmotivated and everything just pretty much goes to hell in a hand basket.

Motivation has been a problem in school and in work. In school, if I was bored out of my mind because I wasn’t learning anything, hell would be caused for the professors. I’d question everything and challenge them hoping that they’d challenge me back, only a handful responded to my tactics and actually made their class worth attending. There were several times where I refused to go to class because it was a waste of time. It caused trouble for me down the line because I wasn’t getting A’s I was getting C’s because of lack of attendance and participation (even though I could ace the tests).

If I’m not motivated at work, I’ll bug the hell out of people trying to get new projects. If they don’t give me projects then I come up with my own projects, that can usually be bad as well, because the stuff I decide to do on my own isn’t always in agreement with the bosses (I can’t help that what I think doesn’t align with what they think).

Now adays, I’m mostly motivated, but it all depends on the day. I have my good days and I have my bad days and I have my inbetween days…

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