I Can Only Do So Much

By Courtney | No Rookie Marks »

I’ve been more than frustrated with my diabetes as of late. But in all reality, how is that different than the last 16 years that I’ve been frustrated with my diabetes? It’s really not. The thing about it now, is that I’ve realized something, I’m having trouble getting over my anger at the Lord for letting me get diabetes.

I realize that He didn’t give it to me, because He’s not in the business of dishing out bad stuff. But He is in the business of letting things happen, and He let diabetes happen to me. And I realize that everything happens for a reason and that everything works for the good if we believe in Him, but forgive me if I’m wrong, but I’m having trouble finding the good in diabetes.

The latest frustration is this, I can check my blood 10 times a day, I can eat 3 meals at 60 carbs a piece, 3 snacks at 15-30 carbs a piece, make sure that I’m counting out my carbs exactly, dose to the exact tenth of a unit, make sure my site is good so there’s nothing out of order going on, make sure I’m not stressed and that I’m getting exercise, and yet for some reason, that’s not a good enough reason for my sugars to be in range. Sometimes, they will spike, or for no good reason, they’ll go low. They’ll teeter totter and balance is only carefully obtained and never easy to keep.

I can only do so much. I can only do what’s been determined as what it takes to take good care of myself. Check the blood, bolus when I’m eating, fast if I need to tell that the basal is correct, exercise, get plenty of sleep. But it’s as though it’s not enough, go ahead and put me in a box, and make sure nothing in my outside environment deviates, and I promise you, there will be anomalies in my sugars.

While everything is going well with my diabetes I’m not angry at God, in fact, I’m thankful, but all it takes is one stupid little thing to go awry and I’m reminded that I was angry for a reason and I get angry again. It’s so hard to stay not angry when I’m constantly reminded that I have a reason to be angry. Call it the thorn in my side.

Maybe it’s too much to ask that I be cured because after almost 16 years, no cure has arrived, so maybe that’s asking to much, but is it too much to ask that when I’m doing everything I’m supposed to do and then a little more that my diabetes behaves as it theoretically should? Like I said, I can only do so much and I could use a lot of help with everything else.

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