Movie Munchies - Diabetes 365 Day 50 - Nov 24, 2007
Usually when I go to the movies I don’t get any snacks mainly because the carbs are fairly uncountable or if they are it’s because they’re labeled on a box of candy. The other night however, I was starving and craving nachos. I got them, ate about half of what you see, and managed to not bolus enough.
One day, I’ll be able to go to the movies, get a snack, and not have to worry about what I need to bolus.
There is no cure for diabetes…
Yet!
No, You Don’t Understand
99.9% of the time when people tell me they understand in reference to my diabetes, I want to strangle them. Because 99.9% of the time when people tell me they understand in reference to my diabetes, they don’t. People don’t understand diabetes if they don’t have diabetes. They just can’t understand it, because they don’t know what it takes, they don’t understand that it’s a 24/7 job for the rest of my life, they just don’t understand. They may think they understand, but they don’t.
Most of the time, when people are telling my they understand, my blood sugar is low and I’m in an argument about the evils of diabetes and how’s it ruined my life. And some idiot will spurt out “I understand” which if they’re unlucky, which half the time they are, they get told about how they don’t understand. And then 90% of the time I get told about how people understand because they’ve lived with it all their lives. What they really mean is that they’ve lived with someone who has lived with diabetes all their life, because it would be wrong of them to say that they had in reality lived with diabetes all their lives. And just because they had lived with someone that has had diabetes doesn’t put them into a position of understanding. It would be nai impossible for someone not having diabetes to fully understand diabetes. (Of course, they don’t think so.)
So, what is it they think they understand, when are those words most heard: holidays, just around dessert time when blood sugars are running high and we can’t eat the sugary goodness that’s being served up, in my case pumpkin pie on thanksgiving and tradition (this strawberry jello with whipped cream goodness that has a cookie crumb topping that probably has a real name but I don’t know what it is because for as long as I can remember I’ve been calling it tradition because it used to get made every Christmas, right up until I got diabetes and then all the sudden it stopped getting made because if it was made in a sugar free fashion it didn’t turn out.) on Christmas. When I decline dessert, because I’m a responsible diabetic, or I don’t come out for dessert and some nincompoop comes to inquire as to why and I tell them, and the response I get is “it’s ok, I understand, you can have some later” I just want to scream “NO! You don’t understand, if you’re not eating dessert it’s because you’ll have to unbutton your pants because you ate too much not because eating dessert will push you into a diabetic coma. And no, I can’t have some later because all you gluttons will have eaten it, there will be no dessert for later.” No, they don’t understand.
The last few years at birthday time I’ve gone without a cake “because you can’t eat it anyways”. Ummmm, I’m glad you think you know what’s good for me. Somewhere in the fit I’m throwing because I’d really like a cake, I’ll hear the “it’s ok courtney, I understand” oh we’re back to that again, no, you don’t understand. The birthday cake one is interesting, because it’s my mom that “understands” my mom whose lived with diabetes all her life because her 2 uncles had it, her grandmother had it and I have it. I’m trying to understand why she doesn’t get the fact that in moderation, I can eat birthday cake. I’m trying to understand why she can’t get past the fact that “sugar is bad for me”. I so badly want to strangle her when she understands. I stand there and yell at her as though it will make her understand, but it doesn’t.
Here’s what people need to understand, in my opinion of course:
1) Just because I have diabetes doesn’t mean I can’t eat sugar, we do this thing these days called counting carbs and then I take insulin based off the number of carbs I ate. Often times, the sugar free stuff has just as many carbs as the sugar-full stuff. I can eat the sugar-full stuff, it just has to be done in moderation, which, by the way, I do pretty damn well. Let me give you an example: Imagine a meal at a friends house, you’re one of about 10 people. You portion out the main and side dishes like normal and you happily eat. Dessert gets brought out later in the even, as it’s being dished up, you decline, but not quite fully decline, you ask the bestest of your friends among that group if you could just have a bite of their piece of dessert. Problem solved, the edge has been taken off my craving for the decadent dessert that was brought and yet I don’t push myself into a diabetic coma because I ate an entire piece. That’s the first thing people need to understand, I can eat sugar.
2) People need to understand that it’s not easy to decline dessert, even if I just ask for a bite and do get to taste it, it’s not easy. It’s very hard actually. Because deep down inside, I would love to be able to sit there and enjoy the dessert to the same degree that everyone else is enjoying dessert. I’m just practicing a very deep level of self-control and it’s not easy and yes, it hurts.
3) When my blood sugar is low, people need to understand that the best thing that they can do for me, is leave me be after I’m sucking down juice or eating something. The worse thing to they can do is sit there and talk to me, especially if it’s about how they understand how I’m feeling because they’re hypoglycemic. Because I have to wonder, do they really understand or are they just saying that to make me feel better. Do they understand that I can’t think straight and that half the time I can’t understand what they’re saying. Do they understand that if they say the wrong words they’re going to have a war on their hands and that I’ll probably have no clue what it was I was fighting over when my blood sugar returns to normal. I can think of exactly one person that truly understands what a diabetics low blood sugars are like. And the only reason I even venture to say that she truly understands is because when her daughter got diabetes she told the doctors she wanted to know what they felt like and the doctors injected her with a short acting insulin and her blood sugar went low. She’s about the only non-diabetic person that I’ll except the words “i understand” from when my blood sugar is low.
4) low blood sugars and adversely high blood sugars make me exhausted. I usually need a couple hour nap after experiencing a low or high blood sugar. A nap will fix my poor demeanor, it will also help me make it through the rest of the day much better than if I don’t have a nap. It’s funny for people to tell me that they understand when I’m like, I just need to go lie down, I need a short nap “It’s ok dear, I understand, we all get a little tired in the afternoon sometimes” Ummm, yeah, me getting tired isn’t a result of my age like yours is, thanks for understanding.
5) just because I’m doing well doesn’t mean it’s easy. Please people understand that. This isn’t an easy job living with diabetes, there’s so much that I have to do, and to be quite honest, I’m not a fan of doing any of it. This isn’t a get up in the morning and take your pills illness and be sure to take them before you go to bed illness, this is a 24/7 disease I have.
6) Just because you don’t see me taking care of it, doesn’t mean that I’m not. I had a grandmother that I hadn’t seen in 14 years come to visit me a couple months back. It really pissed me off when she would say things like “are you ok, are you doing ok, I haven’t seen you check your blood in a while” My diabetes is a covert operation, I don’t like to draw attention to it (unless I’m dying) I take care of it, you’ll very rarely see me check my blood or take a shot because I don’t like all that comes from people seeing me doing so, the questions and crap. Call me a closet diabetic if you will, but I’m taking care of it, and you don’t have to ask questions. It irritates me when people say “i haven’t seen you check your blood in a while”. I know when I have to check my blood and you don’t have to be on top of it. I’ve got it all under control. And the world isn’t going to fall apart if I’m with you for 4 hours and in those 4 hours I don’t check my blood. I’m allowed to not be public with my diabetes. It’s all good. I need you to understand that. I’m not the 13 year old that got pissed off and stopped taking care of my diabetes because everyone was micro managing me anymore.
These are the things people need to understand. Because right now, most of you don’t understand. And instead of me being pissed off, I’m going to help you understand. So please, make sure you understand the 6 items above. And if more issues of understanding arise, I’ll be happy to let you know what it is you need to understand. It will make both our lives easier.
Snow Angel - Diabetes 365 Day 49 - Nov 23, 2007
There have been things that have happened in my past where my diabetes is concerned in which I should have died. But it’s because of living through these things that I know I have angels watching over me.
There is no cure for diabetes…
Yet!
15 Things to Be Thankful for
I’m starting something new this year, a list, 1 thing I’m thankful for in terms of my diabetes, for every year I’ve been diabetic. It’s going to be a new tradition to be done every year.
This list is numbered so that I know how many I had, not because it specifies priority.
- 1. Insulin Pump
- 2. TuDiabetes
- 3. Tour de Cures
- 4. My not completely shot eyesight
- 5. The Diabetes 365 Project
- 6. All my friends that protect me when my stupid decisions could kill me
- 7. Jules, because she hunted me down when I was dying in ICU
- 8. Other diabetic bloggers
- 9. My family that’s home in the middle of the night when I have hypoglycemic seizures
- 10. My not completely shot eyesight
- 11. All my fingers and toes
- 12. The fact that I made it 15 years with this disease
- 13. COBRA insurance
- 14. A job in which I can afford to pay for COBRA
- 15. My doctors
Meat - Diabetes 365 Day 48 - Nov 22, 2007
If my blood sugar goes low there’s usually one argument (among all the others) that I can count on. "Did you eat protein with [insert meal here]?"
I don’t know what it is about the meat (protein) that everyone seems to think will keep my blood sugars steady, but it’s worth fighting over apparently.
There is no cure for diabetes…
Yet!
Fruits and Veggies - Diabetes 365 Day 47 - Nov 21, 2007
There are days when i don’t eat my daily allowance of fruits and veggies and so I often will drink them. It helps me get my vitamins to keep me healthy.
There is no cure for diabetes…
Yet!
When Will It Stop Being An Excuse
I went and saw August Rush tonight and to say the least, it struck a chord. It made me very emotional, made me cry, and it drudged up the past. At the root of that past, my diabetes.
I guess I need to give you some history:
7th grade, I decided I wanted to be in the orchestra, I don’t remember why. I wanted to play the viola, I didn’t want to play the violin because the violin is known, the cello, known, the bass, known, but the viola, it’s like the…hrm…I can’t find a good metaphor, but when I was in 7th grade, I thoroughly thought that it wasn’t known, and the truth is, most people don’t know the difference between a viola and a violin. That was me in 7th grade.
I played viola for exactly 2 years, 7th grade and 8th grade. In the 8th grade, I decided that I wanted to be in the Albuquerque Youth Orchestra (AYO), I had my piece all picked out for tryouts, it was devil something, I don’t remember anymore. But I got deterred.
I had actually been deterred for 2 years, both years I was in orchestra, the determent started the spring of 7th grade, the band and orchestra students would go up to Glorieta for a weekend and learn and play. I didn’t get to go, the reason, my diabetes. I hated mom for it, my diabetes was holding me back. It was the same deal in 8th grade.
When I told mom I wanted to be in the AYO she was cool with it, fine go ahead, you can try out. Then I found out that I had to be active in orchestra in high school. That wasn’t in the agenda. Mom didn’t want to take me to zero hour (the hour before school started for practice, for me approx 6:30 am) Zero hour was mandatory for band/orchestra students, but that wasn’t even the biggest problem, I could’ve found a ride to school that early in the morning, no, my problem was that high school orchestra existed for one purpose, competitions. I couldn’t be in the orchestra if I couldn’t to on competitions, and I couldn’t go to competitions because of my diabetes.
My heart was broken, I was destined to be something great, I know I was. In the eighth grade when we had to write a song, I refused to write one because we were going to have to sing it, so instead, I composed a piece and recorded it. It didn’t go platinum but it was gold (yes our music was ranked).
In college, I was all for minoring in music, and that would’ve been all good except that I had to play an instrument, so after 2 classical music classes and 1 jazz class and 1 day in music theory, then I got told, you can’t minor in music if you don’t play an instrument so I don’t know why you want to sit in music theory. Nice thanks, I didn’t even explain. I dropped the class.
Diabetes was an excuse I think that my parents used, an excuse for why I couldn’t do things. So I sit here wondering, when will my diabetes stop being an excuse, when will I start fighting back for the things I want to do. Even now at age 26, after 15 years of having diabetes, I still hear, “you can’t do that”…”you’re stupid if you do that”…WHY…TELL ME WHY I’M SO DAMN LIMITED BY DIABETES??? I shouldn’t be, it shouldn’t have been an issue, I should’ve fought and I didn’t, and I realize that I can’t change the past, but I can steer the future, and God help me, if I let them tell me no anymore because of my diabetes. God help me if I spurt out one more time, “I can’t because of my diabetes” It’s been ingrained in my head, and there are things I fear and I shouldn’t and it’s because “you can’t”. I’m going to change that, I’m going to fight for my right to live a normal right, because you know what, I CAN!
2 Things
I’ve not been doing much writing here, the truth is, it’s not easy to write about my diabetes. In an effort to get back on track, I’ve got two things I want to discuss this coming holiday weekend:
1) exclusion
2) getting involved
Sugar Free vs Original Oreos - Diabetes 365 Day 46 - Nov 20, 2007
It amazes me that "sugar free" foods are the thing these days. People think that they’re so much better for us than the regular stuff, but in the land of carb counting, in the case of these oreos, the sugar free are no better than the regular.
I can have 3 regular cookies for 24 carbs or I can have 2 sugar free cookies for 16 carbs. Are you seeing the problem here, the numbers are displayed differently, but at the root they’re the same. 1 cookie = 8 carbs.
When this happens, I eat the real deal, because the sugar free ones usually have repercussions…
There is no cure for diabetes…
Yet!
Missed a day of NaBloPoMo
So, I missed a day, last night, of NaBloPoMo, and you know what, I don’t feel guilty about it at all. Here’s the deal, I was not feeling well last night, I went home from work early with my aching belly, my pounding head, and my sore joints/muscles ate, and went and soaked in the hot tub, where I feel asleep for a bit. When I finally dragged my wrinkly self out of the hot tub and got around to grabbing some water to help quench my thirst and check my blood, I was 447, I changed my insulin site, bolused a shot of insulin to correct. 2 hrs later I was like 247, I had come down and that was a good sign, I was still feeling nauseous but I hadn’t succumbed to vomiting yet so I considered myself ok, I drank some more water because I was still feeling way too dehydrated for my own good. By bedtime I was 282 and spilling small to moderate ketones, I gave myself another shot, and went to bed. This morning I woke up with ketones, small-moderate, but my blood sugar was 140, a much better number, the ketones still concerned me. I took a shot for them and didn’t eat, I wasn’t hungry and my stomach was still upset, most likely the product of the ketones. I get to work and my blood sugar is up to 208. Let’s just say that things have been rocky since yesterday afternoon and I still don’t know what the problem is…