I Wish It Had Killed Me…Sometimes
The words are usually yelled when I’m low and emotional, or low and angry, or low, angry and emotional, or high and angry, or just plain angry “I WISH IT HAD KILLED ME”. Those words break my mom’s heart everytime I yell them. I’m usually yelling them at her in a fit of frustration, my poor mom, she takes the brunt of it all. I don’t exactly blame her, but I have no one else to yell at, I can’t exactly yell at my diabetes it won’t respond. She responds. Lately, it’s been “Don’t yell at me, it’s not nice”. Thanks mom, thanks for trying to get me to be nice in my 26th year of life.
When I think about my diabetes and how much I hate it because I really can’t do anything right because everything is always changing, I think that I would’ve rather died when I was 11. Because at 11 not much had gone wrong in my life. Sure, my parents got divorced but I was 2 and don’t remember a thing. My “dad” (aka stepdad) entered my life at age 4 and raised me. I had 2 sisters and a brother and we were all happy little kids. There were good memories before age 11. There are really only two memories that I can remember that aren’t good. When I was in second grade, I got in deep deep trouble for not doing my homework. I hated it, it bored me, therefore I didn’t associate with it. I got sent home with a stack of worksheets easily 1.5 inches deep. My parents weren’t happy. The other instance of trouble that I got into (that I remember because I was probably getting into some kind of trouble on a regular basis, i’m fairly good at that) was in the third grade. I wanted to ride my bike to school instead of walking, I didn’t live too far from the school. So I rode my bike, I was sure there was no way mom was going to know, she worked across town and dad had ridden his bike to work. They found out, I got in trouble, big trouble. That’s the extent of trouble I remember being in before I got diabetes. Since I got diabetes however, that’s another story. I’ve been in all kinds of trouble. I think it started when I was 13. My step mom gave me a shot that she wasn’t gentle about at all, I got pissed because it hurt and she bruised me and I refused for them (my step mom and biological dad) to be involved anymore. I fought them everytime they wanted to see me check my blood. I fought them on every shot they wanted t give me. Finally I won, and when I won, I stopped doing everything. That didn’t go over to well with my doctor at the end of the summer. Thus begun a vicious cycle, I refused to take care of my diabetes on a pretty regular basis after that. I was always in trouble for it, and thus, I really think I would’ve been a happier kid if it had killed me when I was 11. I don’t think I can be blamed for that.
I used to wish it had killed me everytime I couldn’t go to a sleep over. I would sit and yell and scream at my mom who would tell me, they can come over here and sleep over. I thought my mom was lame, she monitored every activity I did, I didn’t think it was cool to have friends over for sleep overs. I had a bed time, she’d recommend activities, etc. I got to do 1 sleep over not at my house, it was at one of the girls from girl scouts. I was 11. I did one sleep over in middle school, she came to my house, and i was miserable because there was nothing to do at my house. That was the last sleep over I ever did. I was invited to plenty, but I always had to decline them. I wish diabetes had killed me. It wasn’t cool to have and everyone was paranoid about it. And I would yell at mom “I WISH I DIDN’T HAVE THIS STUPID DISEASE, I WISH IT HAD KILLED ME”. It robbed me of my childhood, I believed it then and I still believe it now.
When I got denied the ability to go on orchestra trips in the name of my diabetes and mom saying “no one would know how to take care of me if something had happened”, I wish it had killed me. Two years of middle school orchestra and I never got to go on a trip anywhere. Every year in the spring there would be a weekend trip to Glorieta and I didn’t get to go. When it came time for high school, mom said no because the whole year, zero hour and all was spent practicing for competitions, competitions I couldn’t go to because I couldn’t travel, because mom said no, because of my diabetes. I wish it had killed me.
When I couldn’t participate in PE or sports like the other kids, I wish it had killed me.
When I ended up in the hospital in my 23rd year of life because I had managed to go almost a full year with next to no insulin, not checking my blood and trying to drown out the pain of the disease with alcohol, I wish it had killed me.
Everytime I’m taking care of my diabetes and something unexplainable goes horribly wrong, i.e. diabetic ketoacidosis for no good reason, I wish it had killed me. The frustrations are often more than I can handle, especially when I’m taking care of myself. If I’m taking care of myself, nothing should be going wrong, but that’s not the case. I spent last week with ketones and no one could explain why, my blood sugars were in range, and yet, I had small to moderate ketones, for the entire week. It really pissed me off when the doctors decided that they could return my call in 24-48 hrs because it wasn’t an emergency. It pissed me off that when I left the message for the doctor on call that I had mentioned I had been in DKA two months earlier and they still didn’t think it was important to talk to me. I’ve been in DKA twice in the past 3 years, once my doing, once not my doing, but you know what, if I go into DKA again while I’m taking care of myself, I hope it kills me because it’s not worth fighting with the doctors and them thinking that my ketones aren’t an emergency when I’ve had them for a week. These kinds of frustrations (the ones that happen when I’m taking care of myself) make me wish it had killed me.
When I got told I wouldn’t be able to be in the AirForce, I wish it had killed me.
When I got told that skydiving wasn’t in my future, I wish it had killed me (luckily this one got turned around).
Everytime I go on a trip and I have to have someone accompany me because of my diabetes and because I’d be stupid if someone didn’t go with me, I wish it had killed me. I want to be able to travel, I want to be able to go places and do things without my parents, without my grandma, I’m beginning to resent them because of it, and when I really get deep into a mood of resentment, I wish my diabetes had killed me.
Everytime I have to defend why I still live at home with my parents (i.e. hypoglycemic seizures) I wish it had killed me. It sucks to be 26 and to still be living at home with your parents, it sucks that they’re my life line. If I have a seizure they have to give me a glucagon shot, it’s a life or death situation and I shouldn’t have to defend it, and everytime I do, I wish it had killed me.
Everytime there was an argument with mom about my medic alert bracelet that I absolutely hated because people would ask questions about it and it set me apart from all the other kids and I ended up yelling at mom over it “I WISH IT HAD KILLED ME”. Even still today, I won’t wear a bracelet, I will wear my dog tag, but not a bracelet, unless I’m biking, then that’s an exception, but if I’m all dressed up, I’m unmarked. I don’t want my diabetes to be noticed, because once it’s noticed, I have to explain it and give a history, and of all things I hate, I hate explaining it and giving a history. During those times, I wish it would kill me.
When I started bike riding back in March because I so badly wanted to ride in the SoCal Tour de Cure and I discovered that if I was going to go low or if I was starting out high I was screwed, I wish it had killed me. I wish it had killed me because mom felt the need to say “maybe you can’t ride your bike like you’d like to”. I was crying and of course I was yelling at her again, “I HATE THIS DISEASE, I WISH IT HAD KILLED ME”
Everytime I have to pay a large amount of money for diabetic supplies or the insurance to buy the supplies or how insurance won’t pay for certain supplies (constant blood glucose monitoring system), I wish it had killed me, it’d have been a hell of a lot cheaper to die.
Some days are good, some days are bad, most days I loathe my diabetes and on some days, I wish it had killed me. I don’t think that any kid should have to live with this disease, it’s an awful disease, and sometimes, it prohibits a lot from happening, and all the time, it makes kids grow up before their time.
This is excerpt from my NaNoWriMo project: Confessions of a Type 1 Diabetic. For the curious, it’s 1697 words bringing my NaNoWriMo total to 10621 words.
7 Responses to “I Wish It Had Killed Me…Sometimes”
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There are plenty of times I wish I could’ve killed diabetes, but never wish for it to kill me, though I share some of your frustrations with the disease. It does take away some of our dreams and replaces them with others. I am glad you wrote about this, and I hope it was cathartic for you.
It is killing you, slowly. It is killing me as well. i know allot of the things you feel and I wish I could say they are natural, they never felt natural to me.
Right now I have had diabetes for 37 years, it has taken my eyesight, I no longer drive. My heart and blood vessels, my heart attack and open heart surgery has left me pretty much useless. It is takign my kidneys now and if I make it to 40 I am feeling pretty damn lucky, just dont know what kind of luck.
I understand how the anger can jump out from you and all the missed opprotunitys come back.
But, here I face death from this fuggin diesease right now, right here, and I dont want to die. Funny huh?
Robert
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This post makes me sad. Like Amylia, I’ve definitely wanted to kill diabetes, but never wished that diabetes had killed me. I learned a little more about living peacefully with my disease through therapy, though I wonder if anyone can every truly be at peace with chronic illness.
I hope writing this was good for you. I hope putting down the words and having them read by others facing the same things was a cleansing thing to do. I hope that, as time passes, you’ll wish that it killed you less and less. I, for one, am glad it didn’t.
Courtney,
Sorry the D is getting to you so much.
Hey, if you didn’t have diabetes you wouldn’t have done all these great rides. Sure it’s a sucky disease, but sometimes it makes us go beyond our abilities to prove what we can do
I think you’ve done a lot for yourself and for others. I hope that in time you’ll look past what you’ve missed out on and see all the great stuff you’ve done!
I know how you feel. Although I didn’t have diabetes as a child, I feel that way sometimes. It’s not easy to admit and I hope that getting it out there is helping.
Hi,
I can really see where you are coming from being a type 1 diabetic myself. At the age of seventeen I’ve started looking for my future form of employment so at school I joined the Army Cadets just to see what amry life would be like. When a careers officer arrives to explain about being in the army (my sort of life long desire) he asks “do you have any chronic illness?” so I tell him straight and he says sorry you can’t join up. That one has sort of wrecked my life a bit just being put down like that and thinking that with medical technology being what it is now in 2008 I would be able to join up and become a combat officer. I take part in everything at school and have done for the twelve years that I’ve had diabetes for and I know what I can and can’t do with my body. I’ve never used it as an excuse to get of things. I’ll always muck in with everyone else. I can’t see why that with medical science being as evolved as it is why I can’t have the career I want.
You control you diabetes, it doesn’t control you.