Big Dreams Gone…Just Gone
The month of November has a lot going on, Thanksgiving and Black Friday everybody knows about. But there are two other particular events stick out in my head, World Diabetes Day and Veterans Day. Both days are a reminder of what I have and what I’ll never be able to do. It’s rough.
When I was younger I’d run around the house in my dad’s white Navy sailor hats. I had one for the longest time and it hung out in my toy box. My dad was in the Navy, I had an Uncle that had been in the Navy, I had a couple grandfathers that had been in the Army, cousins that were in the Army, I wanted to be in the Air Force. I thought it would be really cool to be a fighter pilot in the Air Force. That was one of the things that I wanted to be when I grew up (among millions of others things). I was a typical child that was constantly changing her mind about what I wanted to be, but to grow up in be in the Air Force, I really wanted to do that.
And then I got diabetes. And it really didn’t hit me until a few years after I was diagnosed with diabetes that I couldn’t be in the Air Force. In middle school, JROTC wasn’t an option just like PE wasn’t an option (Wins and Losses in the Battles of Diabetes). ROTC wasn’t an option in College because you’re considered a Cadet and it’s an automatic enrollment into four years of active service duty.
I used to get phone calls from the Army and the Navy and they’d talk to me and whatnot right up until I said, “I’m a diabetic, you’ve not considered me before, why is it you’re considering me know, is there no record in your files that indicates I’ve been contacted numerous times before and that each time you turn me down because of this chronic illness I posses. Or did a desk job open up that I can do, did you guys finally decide that my brain is worth just as much as the brawn that you guys look for? That my brain is worth just as much as some non-diabetics ability to go climb walls and scurry under ropes?” They’d sound pitiful the next time they spoke “We’re sorry m’am we don’t have that on record, and we’re sorry but we can’t take civilians that have a chronic illness into the armed forces.” I haven’t heard from the armed forces in several years now. I guess after the last time I laid into them they got the message and made a note.
I have found ways around all the things I was told that as a diabetic I couldn’t do. The one thing that I haven’t found a way around was my entry into the Air Force. I was so stubborn about it at one point that I was going to train and get myself in shape and prove that I could do in boot camp as well as the other “normal” recruits. To prove that I could run two miles in 19 minutes and 45 seconds, that I could run a mile and a half in 13 minutes and 56 seconds, that I could do 50 situps in 2 minutes and that I could do 27 push-ups in 2 minutes. I wanted to prove so badly that I was just as good as any other recruit in boot camp, that I could make it just like them.
But the recruiters would tell me that we’re not just as good as the other recruits. We being diabetics or any other person with some kind of chronic illness that would impede them from being able to stand on the front lines at a moments notice and serve our country. That when it comes down to it, in reality we’re not as good as “anybody” else. That anything that would cause us to have problems during high stress situations wasn’t acceptable, thus we weren’t acceptable and we couldn’t serve our country. That anyone that needed to have medications that were life critical wasn’t good for military mission critical jobs because if we were sent off to some other country our medications may not be immediately available if they were available at all. And it was actually worse than that, I vaguely remember something about how “enlisted people have to be able to carry out any mission…and you can’t” They’re so nice when they speak to us.
There was one thing they never could answer, and it was the one thing that probably pisses me off the most about the armed forces. There are regular Billy Joe Bobs sitting in offices doing paper work, there are regular Billy Joe Bobs sitting behind computers interpreting new codes, there are regular Billy Joe Bobs all around the armed forces who may or may not have ever been on the front lines in some epic battle that was going to save our country if they lost their lives. Why, with a brain such as mine, couldn’t I have one of those jobs? They can’t answer that question…Why if I can’t be a fighter pilot, can’t I help design/program the simulators that pilots learn in?
It really irks me that if there were a draft, people would go into hiding to not get drafted and yet there are people that would love to serve their country and we’re being denied because of a disease we didn’t ask for. Just because we’re deemed physically incapable doesn’t make us mentally handicapped as well. There are some things that we could do in the military just as well as “any” other person.
I had a dream to be a fighter pilot in the Air Force and because I’m not as good as “any” other person, that dream has been decimated…It was a big dream, and now it’s gone…this isn’t a case of you can do that if you just take care of yourself…they (the military) wouldn’t care if I had the best controlled case of diabetes known to man kind, I’d still be denied my dream.
This is excerpt from my NaNoWriMo project: Confessions of a Type 1 Diabetic. For the curious, it’s 1062 words bringing my NaNoWriMo total to 6577 words.
20 Responses to “Big Dreams Gone…Just Gone”
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I also have t1 diabetes. It is true that some dreams need to be revised after diagnosis. I’m sorry diabetes stole that dream from you. I hope your new dreams come true.
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Courtney.. I know I have read of military personnel with T1. Am I wrong? Maybe not as pilots, but in Iraq in the Army, I believe. Maybe this specific person developed it after enlisting or being in the service a while…not sure. Have you checked all the branches?
[...] I got told I wouldn’t be able to be in the AirForce, I wish it had killed [...]
Hi. I am twenty years old, and have had type one diabetes since the age of nine. I just tried today, for about the tenth time since I turned eighteen, to be accepted into the Army. Once again, they turned me down becuase I am insulin dependent. I told them as you have, that I am capable enough to release an able body to be in “active duty”, but that’s not what they’re looking for. WHAT? Are you serious? I am going to speak with the Air Force by next week to say the same thing as I have always said to the other branches of the military. I will not let them turn me down. I’ve heard about waivers being signed, but not granted to everyone. I am willing to serve my country. There are so many that are ABLE to and deny that fact! I’d put my life on the line if I had insulin with me or not. I’ve cried several times today, and just now after reading your blog. It really sucks that we are looked at as incapable to do anything. As you have said, you can do all of the physical things..and you’ve got the brains. So…please tell me how we are not like a “normal, healthy person”. Thank you for writing this, as it has helped me tremendously since crying in the recruiting office this morning. Please do keep in touch.
~ Vicki
[...] Ride to Remedy added an interesting post today on Big Dreams Goneâ
I have juvenile diabeties and have dreamed of flying since I was 8 around the time I was diagnosed (I’m 15 now). It pains me to know that I cant fly because of something I never asked for.
I feel your pain, except maybe slightly less. I have served in the Air Force for 12.5 years. Last August I finished pilot training with a follow on assignment to F-15E Strike Eagles. In October I was diagnosed with Type 1. I’ve been permanantly grounded and am waiting to see if the Air Force is going to medically seperate me. Hang in there and don’t give up. Theres a cure just around the corner!
Brian, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s got to be a big bummer. But you’re right, a cure is just around the corner, and that’s something to be excited about.
I’m curious to know if you’ll be medically separated, please let me know when you find out.
Courtney
I found this after a google search. I went into the Navy recruiter’s office today, I just turned 30 and have ALWAYS wanted to join the Navy for Officer School. Lik many here mydream of being a Navy officer was crushed when I was denied for my T1 diabetes. Ever with a college degree they just do not allow this. I would do ANYTHING if we all could find some sort of loop hole to get in, like I stated I’m 30 and I’m not getting any younger and I’m literally in tears here, crushed that I am denied for something I never asked for nor wanted. Doesn’t look like ADA Restoration Bill 2007 will eve be passed, maybe that’s our only hope
Hi Ph33rzie,
I’m sorry that this is something that you’ve experienced.
My understanding is that at any point we have to be ready for the front lines and capable of fighting in a war.
With our diabetes there’s more to worry about than just the usual stuff. If a normal person is traipsing through the jungle and they can’t eat for days there’s no problem. If a normal person is crossing enemy lines and gets captured and doesn’t have medications for days/weeks/months it won’t matter. For us as people with diabetes not being able to eat or not getting our medication is a death sentence. (And when I say normal I mean not affected by a chronic disease).
It doesn’t matter how smart we are, that we have college degrees, that we can do that desk job just as well as anyone else (I myself am a programmer, and that’s something that can be done regardless of my diabetes). We’re seen as unfit, even if we can complete bootcamp (which they’ll never give us the opportunity to attempt).
I hear you on this, I’m 27 years old, I’m in decent shape, and there’s no reason I should be prevented from serving this country. There is massive discrimination going on and not a darn thing is being done about it, and nobody (except the people it effects) seems to care.
I do hope that one day this will change.
I found this through a google search also.
I am 17 and just Diagnosed with T1 in the last month. I have wanted to join the marines since I was 12. I feel your pain.
Hi Jacob,
I’m so sorry that you were diagnosed with diabetes. It really just breaks my heart when people find this entry because their dreams were taken from them just as mine were.
Hang in there,
Courtney
I was diagnosed with diabetes at the age of 10. I’m 17 now and am still looking for away around diabetes into the Coast Guard (since none of the other branches will take me for sure), though still unsuccesful in finding one. Why aren’t people who want to give their lives for their country given a chance to give it willingly.
hey I just got a job offer with norfolk southern…its a railway. Now I have to go to get my physical…Im in good shape other than being diabetic…do I have to disclose this info and can they discriminate? I would be a conductor if that helps….
For those who have dreams of joining the military but cannot due to diabetes, there are many ways to still serve your country. Look into your local law enforcement agencies to see if they are hiring. I know many police officers, corrections officers, paramedics, federal agents, probation officers and even firefighters who have diabetes. Law Enforcement is an exciting and wonderful way to serve your country. Not all law enforcement agencies will accept diabetics but many still do. Check it out.
Just had my nephew diagnosed with Type1 Diabetes who dreamed of being a pilot. Now his dream is shattered and I don’t know what to tell him. Any suggestions?
Just this past weekend, I attended a conference in Toronto by Childrenwithdiabetes.com. George Canyon, the Canadian country singer was there. He has Type 1 diabetes. I run the elementary school children sessions. He addressed them and told them he had always wanted to be a pilot and in the Air Force. He told them to NEVER GIVE UP ON THEIR DREAMS. He was recently made an honorary colonel in the Air Force and has been to Iraq three times to meet the troops. He wears his dog tags with pride and has even flown a plane. We may not all be George Canyon, but he extolled the children not to give up on their dreams.
Michelle
P.S. To view my dream of photographing children with Type 1 diabetes around the world, please go to
http://www.nameyourdreamassignment.com/the-ideas/Michelle/insulin-is-not-a-cure-for-children-with-type-1-diabetes/
And if you are so inclined, please vote for me. I have two children with diabetes.
[...] that I’ve made in the last year and a half, I think the one that gets the most traffic is my Big Dreams Gone…Just Gone post. In that entry I talk about my dreams of being a fighter pilot in the Air Force and how that [...]
Maybe it was meant to be man. I’m not a Diabetic but i am a hypoglycemic. It’s a horrible thing to have your dream taken away from you and i’m sorry. My friend just came back from Iraq with no legs from a roadside bomb. How do you think he feels getting up everyday looking and seeing no legs. He has to live the rest of his life like that. So look at the things you have and don’t regret anything in your life. Never give up either and if the military is what you want then go for it 100%. Good luck and hold on there will be a cure soon.