The Logbook I should be keeping - Diabetes 365 Day 20 - Oct 25, 2007
This is my logbook that I’m supposed to keep updated but haven’t touched since the beginning of June. I draw in all my boxes myself in a graph paper notebook because I don’t like the little ones that are made available to us for free. If I’m going to keep track of what’s going on in my diabetic world, I want to see it all, I’m anal about it. But it’s a lot of work and I’ve not been loyal to my record keeping as of late (the past 4.5 months or so). When I do keep track of my diabetes it’s under much better control than when I don’t.
There is no cure for diabetes…
Yet!
So Damn Lucky
It rarely happens, but it does happen, on my other blog, I’ll throw something out about how I hate diabetes (in some topic that wouldn’t be related to diabetes except for the fact that diabetes affects me in relation to that post). And it really pisses me off when people come back and comment about how it could be worse.
You think I don’t know it could be worse, you think I don’t know that I’m blessed to have insulin and a way to give it to myself (be it shots or an insulin pump), you think I don’t know that I’m blessed to live in a country where we have the technology such that I can check my blood, you think I don’t know that I’m blessed to have health insurance that will pay for all my supplies as opposed to living in a third world country where diabetes is truly death. I KNOW! But you know what, diabetes still sucks. And while I may have it better than other people, many of the people that comment really probably have no clue about what diabetics go through. They probably grew up being normal, playing in sports, not having kids tease and taunt them because they didn’t understand diabetes and why I had to go to the nurses office every day at lunch or why all of the sudden I’d get overly emotional or anger would just come out of no where, being able to eat a brownie or twinkie at lunch.
They’ve got some nerve telling me that I’m lucky to be alive. You want to talk about being alive. You want to know how often I wish that this damn disease had killed me when I was 11. That maybe my dad had neglected to notice that I was sicker than a dog for a little bit longer and I would have just been robbed of life at that young age. I HATE this disease and just because it’s treated doesn’t mean it’s cured. Just because I can live on shots doesn’t make it better. Just because, 15 years into my life with diabetes I’m finally learning to cope with it doesn’t make it go away. And boy do I wish it would go away.
It pisses me off, the misconceptions about diabetes. The “can you eat that” questions. The confusion between the types. People thinking that I brought this upon myself. You stupid bastards, I was a healthy child. We ate apples for snacks. There was never sugar in the house. Mom made sure we were healthy and boy did we hate her for it. I will never forget when I went to fifth grade, and some how my fourth grade teacher heard that I had gotten diabetes over the summer. Her comment was “it was all that sugar you used to eat”. You asshole, I was lucky if I could trade my sammich or fruit for a brownie and it didn’t happen often. Sugar was not a normal thing on my diet. It was saved for special occasions.
Diabetes pisses me off. People in my family not knowing what they’re talking about when they bring up diabetes pisses me off. I don’t want it to be my job to educate the ignorant people about diabetes. It’s an epidemic because people don’t take care of themselves and those of us that did take care of ourselves and got it by chance because of some stupid gene in our DNA that decided our pancreas didn’t need to work, we shouldn’t have to suffer for other peoples stupidity. And so because people are stupid the type 1 diabetics are suffering, we get grouped with the imbeciles that chose to bring diabetes upon themselves. That pisses me off. Do you think that if we had a choice to control this damned disease by diet and exercise that we wouldn’t be doing it. Do you think that we want to have to check our blood a million times a day. Do you think we take pleasure in taking shots.
What the hell is wrong with people that they can just presume to know what we go through. You wanna know what I go through, you wouldn’t make it a day if you had to do what I do. Do you want to have to watch everything you eat, measuring your portions, counting your carbs, do you want to check your blood 8-10 times a day, do you want to take 5-8+ shots a day. You probably wouldn’t make it through the first blood check. People whimper, it’s gonna hurt, they pull their fingers away. You don’t understand and with that lack of understanding should come your lack of ability to open your mouth. That’s right, keep it shut.
We may be lucky, but the fact that we can live with this disease doesn’t make it better. You think there’s a problem with us for the occasional complaining about how we wish we didn’t have it, we wish there’d be a cure, spend a day in our shoes and then tell us what you think. Let me make your blood sugar so low that you’re incoherent, that you can’t understand the simplest of statements. How about a seizure in the middle of the night, let’s hope someone’s around to give you a glucagon shot. Or how about making your blood sugar so high that you’re dehydrated but you can’t re-hydrate yourself because you’re throwing up and can’t keep anything down. Let’s take your favorite outdoors activity, swimming, biking, hiking and make it so that for you to be doing it for longer than a half hour will cause you to have low blood sugars for hours to come. Or how about you go out while your blood sugar is high, it’s pretty miserable.
Don’t you dare tell me I’m lucky on a bad day. Because a bad day is just that, it’s a bad day. And you know what, on the good days, I’m usually cool with this disease, diabetes, and I can live with it, and it’s more work than I’d like (cause it’s a full time job all by itself) but I can do it. But on a bad day, or on the brief mention of how I hate diabetes, you leave that alone. Or at least you leave that alone if you’re smart. Because if you’re not so smart and you do say something, there will be a rant, like this one, because I’m sick and tired of presumptuous people thinking they know all about diabetes when you probably know next to nothing about diabetes.
The Supply Closet - Diabetes 365 Day 19 - Oct 24, 2007
As a person that needs all the space she can get I was quite depressed when I had to clear out this space for all my diabetes stuff. I have to keep so much in stock it feels like because it all disappears so quickly.
There is no cure for diabetes…
Yet!
The Cost of Health Insurance - Diabetes 365 Day 18 - Oct 23, 2007
I got the paperwork for my health insurance on Monday and I was scared to see the prices. Last year when I turned 25 I got dropped off my dad’s insurance (through Intel) and had to start paying COBRA so that I could keep the same insurance. When I started it was $200 last November when renewals came around it went up to $375 and this year it’s up t $409.53 a month. I can’t complain though, Cigna covers a great deal of my costs and has for the last 15 years of my diabetic life. Without health insurance, I’m 99.9% sure I couldn’t afford to live.
There is no cure for diabetes…
Yet!
1 Week of Blood Testing - Diabetes 365 Day 17 - Oct 22, 2007
As a diabetic I have to check my blood sugar numerous times a day. 10 times a day to be exact. While I could get away with about 4-6 checks a day, 10 times a day provides better control over my diabetes. I’ll be honest though, some days it’s less than 10, but there are days where it’s more than 10 so it all evens out to about 70 checks in a week.
There’s no cure for diabetes…
Yet!
Struggle to the Finish
As I sit here, I’m struggling to write about the Fort Worth, TX Tour de Cure that I rode in on October 20, 2007. Why, I don’t know, but maybe it’s because it was a struggle for me to finish this ride. It was during this ride that I decided it’s no fun to ride by myself, it’s no fun to not know anybody, it’s no fun to not have someone to talk to, and it’s no fun to be riding with people that aren’t so friendly and are very untalkative (maybe they were serious about riding, but they were no fun).
But at the same time I was bummed out, I was also greatful, I was greatful to have gotten the names of various people to ride for, because if I hadn’t had them, I probably wouldn’t have finished. And so as I’m riding along, trying to keep my mind off the fact that I was on a route, mostly alone, and the roads weren’t well marked and I was as good as lost if the spots in the distance disappeared, I was going through names…Al, Amy, Ben, Chanelle, Charles, Clara, Choa Har, Colleen, Dezi, Diego, Donna, Dot, George, Harold, Holly, Jenna, Jimmy, Joann, Kay, LaRay, Laurie, Lawrence, Lura, Marjorie, Mary Mac, Michelle, Mikayla, Nancy, Pat, Sarah, Shirley, Suzanne, Tracy, Troy, William. It was these people that got me through my ride, if I hadn’t known all these diabetics I would have turned around (at mile 7ish) and gone back to grandma who was waiting for me at the end and said “I’m done, let’s go home”. That’s how not happy I was with this ride. (Of course, I say I would’ve gone back, but truthfully, I probably wouldn’t have, even though I wanted to I would’ve kept going because otherwise it would’ve been a waste of 20 hrs on the road and a very so not worth it expensive hotel room.)
I suppose I should start at the beginning. My journey began at the Doral Tesoro with me venturing out to check in for the ride at about 7:30.
This was the first time I had to check in normally (normally being with all the other riders). In CA I had express check-in for being in the Elite Riders Club and in CO there was Pre-Check-In the night prior to the event. There weren’t many of us, so checking in wasn’t that bad, I only had to wait for about 7 minutes in line before I could get my number and my t-shirt (of which they didn’t have my size). Check-In was fairly uneventful.
The lucky number this ride was 263.
After checking in, I decided that since I was taking my road bike out for it’s first serious ride (as training rides don’t count as serious) that it needed a once over. First mistake, I asked for a once over, I omitted the fact that it was my bike that needed the once over not me. The guy was funny though, when I said “I think I’m pretty good to go but if you could give me a once over that’d be great” I got looked up and down and he said “yup, you look pretty good to me” Talk about blushing.
He tuned up my bike after I made it clear what it was that needed a once over. It wasn’t quite right (it being my bike because I was looking pretty good). And then he pumped up my tires for me because I didn’t know that I was to check them before each ride (that and I didn’t know how to pump up the tires on my road bike to begin with). Apparently on road bikes, the pressure can go from 130 psi to 80 psi overnight. After he pumped up my tires, threw out the caps (added weight I didn’t need he said), told me I should have a much smoother ride, he sent me on my way.
I had my number on, my bike was properly tuned and the tires were pumped and it was time to assume my position in line. I wedged myself into a spot near the front so that when I slowed down it would be ok because I didn’t start at the back of the pack.
We had to listen to some announcements (which we really couldn’t hear anyways) and then we were off. The beginning was cool, a cop led us, I guess the cop was our pace car, technically speaking that is, he let us out of the start and I don’t know for how long because I lost him at approximately 3 miles. But for 3 good miles I was riding along at 20 mph. Which in my book is like totally impressive. It was during this time that I also passed the first rest stop. I didn’t need to rest at the 1.7 mile mark. Coincidentally, I didn’t have to rest at the 8.7 mile mark either. (Which could’ve been very stupid, here’s the story, I usually stop at every 8-10 miles to check my blood. I was scared to stop because I didn’t want to be left behind because I was semi-close to a pack of riders and I couldn’t see anyone behind me, so in the name of knowing where I was going I kept going, this would kill me on the way back it turns out.)
At 12.3 miles, I got to stop for the coolest thing I’ve ever had to stop for: A TRAIN!!! And as I was riding towards it, I took at my camera (while I was still riding) and took this picture (the meaning behind me taking it while I was still riding and not when I had stopped is because when I had to stop, the train was just about across the street.)
At 15.5 miles there was another rest stop and this time I stopped. I would’ve been stupid to have not stopped. I parked my carbike in the visitor’s parking spot (I was a visitor, in true form, I came from another state.)
Thanks to the jersey I was wearing (the official 2007 Tour de Cure Jersey) some conversations where started while I was eating and getting water at the rest stop.
I had a nice little conversation with Ms. Baumer about me wanting to ride in every state. At which point Gina got called over and Gina is the Communications Director for that area and she knew who I was. As soon as Ms. Baumer started talking about me wanting to ride in every state, Gina was like “I know you, you’re C…Courtney, Courtney Benefiel” (I of course was all impressed, she not only remembered my name, she said it right) and then I got to talk to their VP. The rest stop was a good rest stop. I was there about 15 minutes. And my blood sugar was ok (which was good because not only did I not stop at the prior rest stops, I didn’t check my blood before riding and I didn’t have my usual snickers marathon bar because I had just eaten breakfast)
When I was done chatting I hopped back on the trail, I was of course back on the trail with no one in front of me, but I knew in general the direction I needed to head because I had just come from this direction. I rode hard because I needed to be able to see people in front of me because as I said earlier the roads weren’t well marked and if there weren’t people in front of me I was as good as lost. In fact, I did get lost, kindof, not really. I had to stop and wait for people to catch up so I would know which way to go. What happened was that for the first 20 miles or so there were two women in front of me. I take that back, they passed me just before the second rest stop, well, somewhere around the 6-8 mile mark.
So, these women, Sonya and Denise. I was ahead of them, they pulled ahead of me, I caught up with them. I had a nice little conversation with Denise about how she had to have slowed down. It was funny. She said “yeah I’m slowing down, these hills, the wind, the roads, they’re going to jiggle my tire off” I talked with her for a ways, and pulled ahead, I caught up with Sonya, who’s a beast when it comes to hills, she loves them, and she told me I could pull ahead and so I did just that, and I didn’t get very far, because then I had to stop, because I didn’t know which way to turn. From them on I stayed behind them, or between them, but never ahead of them.
I was within 2 miles of the finish and I could feel that my blood sugar was dropping so I ate some glucose tabs and went on my way. About a mile from the finish I called grandma’s cell so she could be at the finish to take pictures of me, and that was the coolest thing because they didn’t have a photographer on the route like they did in CA and CO.
So, this ride was a little bit of a struggle. It was partly probably due to irresponsibility on my part (not making 3 stops, not checking my blood more, not eating more), and partly the routes fault, not being clearly marked like it should’ve been. But I did finish.
The ride ended up being 34.95 miles. I didn’t do it in what I had hoped would be record breaking time, but 2 hrs 59 minutes and 36 seconds is ok (I guess). I was very thrilled when I was going through the stats on my speedometer and saw that my max speed was 30.1 miles. I know where I got to that speed to, I think, it was on a down hill (obviously), it was before the 2nd rest stop on Tim McDonald Road. I laid out flat over my handlebars and pedaled as fast as I could and I resisted the wanting to look at the speedometer, it didn’t feel like 30, but the speedometer says so, and thus I’m thrilled. My average wasn’t impressive, 12.2 mph. I was doing better than that on my “training” rides back in NM, but they were also flat, whereas Texas, it’s not so flat (and I mentioned that and the Texans just looked at me and sped past…)
I struggled with this ride, but you know what, now that I’ve written this, the struggle is worth it, especially when a cure found.
Sugar Free Energy - Diabetes 365 Day 16 - Oct 21, 2007
When ever I go on road trips, I start my morning drive with an energy drink. For the longest time I couldn’t get "amp" in sugar free, and now they have it. The sad part is it tastes disgusting. It’s not nearly as good as the regular "amp" which is chocked full of sugar (which is strange for me to say because I usually can’t stand the drinks that are more sugar than anything else).
As a diabetic, I make sacrifices when it comes to what I can drink. Sometimes, those sacrifices aren’t so great (today in particular it was a sacrifice of flavor).
There is no cure for diabetes…
Yet!
Riding For A Cure - Diabetes 365 Day 15 - Oct 20, 2007
For the longest time (14 yrs) I didn’t fight my darned disease (diabetes). For 14 years I let it slowly eat at me and take years off my life. This year (year 15 of my life with diabetes) I decided that I was done letting it slowly kill me and that it was time for me to kill it. On Saturday, Oct 20th I participated in the Ft. Worth, TX Tour de Cure. It was my third Tour de Cure this year.
There is no cure for diabetes…yet! And when there is a cure, I can say that I helped fund it.
The Traveling Kit - Diabetes 365 Day 14 - Oct 19, 2007
When I’m traveling, I pack a big tub full of extra everything. Test strips, insulin, syringes (should I need to go off my pump), extra reservoirs, lancets, glucagon kits, ketostix, batteries, site kits…
The Cycling Kit - Diabetes 365 Day 13 - Oct 18, 2007
When I go cycling, I have to have my normal diabetes stuff: machine, test strips, finger poker, glucose tabs, glucagon kit, plus some extra stuff, power gels, electrolyte tablets, id, medic alert card, and insurance cards. It’s important as a diabetic to be safe when I go cycling and that means packing all the gear I need to keep my blood sugars in range, all the gear I need to treat a low blood sugar should it go low, and all the stuff I need should I pass out and need to be carted off to the hospital.